it's love ;

Sunday, March 27, 2011 10:43 PM

i don't really know what happened, but really, why can't you just keep your thoughts to yourself? or at least bring them across in a nicer way? it's just so typical of you to ruin a perfectly normal night.

loved ;

8:55 PM

i do so want us to happen. but i don't know if this is what is right. it feels so right, yet self-doubt and the usual fears still sit over the horizon, a threatening smudge in the skyline. will these fears ever dissipate for good? i don't want to live life with all my insecurities clouding my every move and thought.

and basically i'm just afraid of what the future might hold. kind of want to just hold on to the present and never let go, because i never was one to gamble and risk losing what little i have for hopes of something more. because, the uncertainty of tomorrow is a scary thing. and yet, i know that now never lasts forever. and i don't know if that is scarier or not.

and i wonder if i will ever be able to fulfill my childhood dream of getting married and being a mother. sian, why my dream so cui. lol.

loved ;

Wednesday, March 16, 2011 2:14 PM

it's raining. pouring, really.

and it's at times like these when i really wish that you were here with me, so we can watch the rain together(:

but for now, study.

loved ;

Saturday, March 12, 2011 8:07 PM

everytime i think that maybe things just might finally be better, you make everything come crashing down again. i know i shouldn't let this affect me, this is nothing, next to nothing, but i guess there just is way too much water under the bridge already. anything, anything at all, will bring all the memories back, a deluge that inundates the fragile barriers of my mind and shakes the foundations of my very soul. it's just horrible that you have that much hold over me and i don't like it. just what right do you have to dictate the peaks and troughs of my emotions?

i really need to walk away. now.

loved ;

Monday, March 07, 2011 9:39 PM

because everyone is small at night;

when what God wants and what i want clashes, what am i to do?

of course i know the textbook answer; i am to submit to His will and let Him lead me down His perfect path. but sometimes that just is so difficult, especially when i can't see His way for me. besides, praying that His will be done, and not mine is easy when one is just going through the motions. but how honestly can i say that that is really what i want?

and it's far to easy to blame Him for the misfortunes and failures that befall us, but how much of that is the fruit of our own doing? when we stray, trials and tribulations will come to set us back on the right path. and only through the trials God puts us through, can we be refined as gold.

and i'm just rambling on and on because everyone is small at night

loved ;

10:52 AM

it's terrible, watching helplessly as someone you've always looked up to slowly wastes away and gradually loses his footing in life. i really do wish that he will be able to pull through this, his children are still so young! and i can't bear seeing aunty chee kit wilt everytime uncle khee sien's illness is mentioned. she was so young, and strong, always vibrant and lively, giving strength to others when they needed it. and uncle khee sien, with his quiet demeanour and unassuming ways. it's almost bizarre, seeing how things are playing out, the doctor and nurse wife becoming the patient and caregiver. faintly ironic and definitely highlighting the theme of human mortality. not that anyone's looking at the literary themes at a time like this.

i just wish that uncle khee sien will be able to pull through this relapse, that his kidney will not fail, that his white blood count will rebound, that his strength will increase, both physically and spiritually. it's sad that it's only at times like these when i will run back to God, begging for His mercy and grace. still, i do hope that it is in His will for uncle khee sien to continue living, and for him to not have any more relapses.

it's a little selfish, but i also hope for this so that mummy will not be so affected, seeing the parallels between him and i. even i do hope for him to get well, so that there is a reassurance that should i ever have a relapse, will be able to pull through too. besides, he's one of my doctors! how will i ever pull through without him?

loved ;

Sunday, March 06, 2011 4:45 PM

it would be difficult to say that i'm not upset. i am. it's like there is something intrinsically wrong with me. like honestly, who on earth fails driving twice. and auto at that. i try not to let it affect me though. it's almost as if letting this affect me too much is an admission that i am a failure, and i refuse to admit that. not yet, at least.

anyhow, there's not much point in moping about and getting everyone concerned and all. it's much easier to ignore these feelings and go about as if nothing has happened. after all, life isn't one dimensional.

on a separate note, yesterday was good and i do hope that this will last(: you make me ridiculously happy for some reason or another and it does feel like i've regressed to be a five year old. or something. but that's okay i guess. haha. now if only we could bottle you up in a pill or sth. now that's a thought. haha.

loved ;