sigh. today is a bad day. cos i'm feeling very bitchy.

one, cos of the soon-to-be-dead buyer.

two, cos i whacked my head on the one and only sharp edge of my air cooler. like of all the edges to hit my head on, i went and chose the sharp one.-.- i think i need eyes on the back of my head too. and what irony since i haven't used my air cooler in such a long time. it's almost as if it's screaming, "NOTICE ME!!" or sth.

three, cos my dad is being irritating and thinks that he's some saintly dad being victimised by his wife and children especially his younger daughter, me. wow. thanks alot dad. since when were you the victim? not now, not ever. and thanks for making me your target, as usual. i should just simply get used to it and like stop hoping that one day he'll realise that i'm actually a person and not a punching bag. but it is in my nature to hope for things that never can come true. so ohwells, just have to live with it i guess. at least he didn't hit me this time. which is a relief. and i didn't cry this time. which is simply wonderful so i won't have to worry about having puffy eyes the next day. i think i'm becoming immune to him. yay! lol.

and i still haven't done my chinese hwk. URGH.

i shall bitch about the horrible person who has made up her mind to be a dead buyer. haha.

i do so hate dead buyers. rahh. if she doesn't reply me by tonight 12mn then too bad. rahh.

sigh and she's like my 3rd buyer? that is like so sad. booo.

yupp. if by 12mn she doesn't re me then i'm taking the pending sign off the item and i might consider putting up a blacklist on the blog with her particulars like jamie. then again, maybe i shouldn't be so mean.

going to chinatown on monday after sl! to get lotsa materials for like jill's hoops and the fabulous necklace i designed during ss lecture on friday. haha. i think it'll be my best necklace so far but i only made two. lol. so there isn't much of a choice larh. but quite worried cos i think i've incurred quite abit of losses le. must start cutting down! on what? hmm...

i'm so happy~

lol. but i really am. cos now we seem to have gone back to normal. as in like talking nonsense and stuffs again. but i still don't know what your reaction to my letter is but nvm. anything is better than that awkward silence which dominated for the past 2 days.

don't know why but i'm constantly tired now. wanted to go for church choir today but i'm just too tired. sigh. hope i can pull myself together by 2.30 so i can get to church in time. don't know what's wrong with me larh. bleahhhhh. must not be so lethargic and tired all the time! you can do it rhoda!

yawn.

maybe i'll be disappointed. i don't know. i can't seem to sense your thoughts anymore.

i watched your purposeful stride today. out of anger? or hope? i seriously don't know. but i won't ask anything of you anymore. i've hurt you more than enough and it'll be plain selfishness on my part to do anything more, to expect anything more. how can i expect anything when i've fulfilled none of the expectations required of me?

i am a selfish girl. that, i know. and i want to change. but i can't ask you to wait for me to change, not after all that i've done to you. so i'll just, well, change on my own.

during my chinese project presentation today, i did a short summary on the story 《春泥不是无情物》and realised just how similar i was to the character 春泥. we were both extremely selfish girls, very stubborn, 野蛮，霸道. and i felt really very bad as i presented the story. it was as if i was writing my biography. selfish, despicable me.

as i walked home today, i felt like my heart would rend into two, but it didn't. i'm stronger than i thought. but it still hurts alot. though i know i have no right to feel hurt cos after all it was i who brought this upon myself and i still cannot forgive the fact that i had pulled you down along with me too. i really am an extremely horrible person. i ought to be shot.

maybe i shouldn't have brought things up again, cos after all, maybe all you wanted to do was to forget. but selfish little me went and dug things all up again. did i ask if you wanted to know my explanations? did i try to find out? no. and i just went ahead and 自作主张 again. i never do learn, do i? and maybe i've hurt you again.

it's probably better for us to end like that. with no more secrets or hidden explanations. like the little fullstop at the end of the sentence. i want us to be like that. okay, i don't. all i want are never ending commas, but i know that's impossible considering what i've done. so a fullstop seems inevitible. an ending to... what?

and i have no idea.

talked for a while with maymay today. and i'm really thankful that she drummed some sense into my thick head. i know it's going to be very hard, what with my pride and all and the possibility of rejection, but i'm just going to do it. i know i'll be breaking my other resolutions but well, sense is sense and i'll like to think that i'm a sensible person. haha. wish me luck!(:

and just when i mastered brazilian street dance, they just had to change the chords. wow. thanks. haha. but it does sound better now even though it's much harder to play. hee.

and i didn't know getting mcs to excuse me from napfa was so difficult. haha. ohwells. a new experience! haha.

alot of things happened. so much so that i simply want to curl up into a ball and cry. but i won't. i shall be strong, no matter how hard it is to be.

and thanks for being there when i needed you.

actually i intended this post to be a long bitchy one. or sth. but i don't think it's neccessary anymore. i just won't think about it anymore. you can do all you want but i shan't let it affect me. i have attained higher ground. LOL.

thank you for bringing me there(:

oh my goodness. i really must start studying. i failed my chem r papers. as expected. with only 20+%. how wonderful. i nearly jumped off the building. okay i didn't. i did the next best thing. i went to pris' house and helped her pack. lol.

and actually i had alot of things to blog about but i'm just too tired so nvm. ohwells.



i waited in the rain till it ended
and i'm still waiting

boo back from camp.

guess what? i sort of miss it. lol.

and anyway i like durian pudding.

keep smiling.(:

wishing i could hear your voice again
knowing we must say goodbye

had a long good talk with jill today as we trawled through people's park centre looking for that elusive shop selling zips. we still didn't find it. but we found another shop anyway. haha. which is good.(:

and i realise that it makes no sense that i'm here alone torturing myself when all the rest are all above it already. it's just plain stupidity. so i shall be strong and forget. please let me have stm this time. lol.

and i told jill about the five years thing which i'm doing. i know that it probably won't happen but i don't care. i don't want to be a burden and even though i'll probably still be a burden in five years time but by then if the cancer hasn't returned, i'll be more safe than now. haha. though no one is really safe until they enter the coffin and people normally peg it at twenty years, but i can't wait that long and i can't expect him to wait that long especially since i'll be an old hag then. haha. so i guess five years should be enough? lol. though i really doubt if it will happen but there can be miracles and i'll just hope that my miracle will appear.(:

but of course five years is an extremely long period of time to wait so i shan't be selfish. ohwells. i sound like i'm contradicting myself but i'll just continue with this.

and, and, my super late new year resolution is to not be so over reliant and not be a burden. and not be selfish of course.

jill pointed out that my five year plan thingy was pretty selfish and i have to admit that i am selfish especially since i never really considered his point of view. sigh. so i shall be more understanding this year! or rather try to be cos it's hard to change but i must!

go me! and you(:

NO MORE R PAPERS!!!

yay!!!! hahahahaha. it's like such a relief to know that there is no more butt-numbing 2 1/2 hour papers tml or the day after or the day after after when others around you are playing their hearts out. hahaha. i can finally go out! not like i've been cooped up at home, but i really didn't go out with friends apart from ylynn's farewell dinner and i didn't stay out late and i was at home most of the time. hahaha. went to plaza sing with pris and jill after meeting angie at dhoby gaut. it was a sort of mini celebration with banana crumble and fries at swenson's and some really crazy time at spotlight. haha. haven't been this crazy for such a long time. i miss this feeling. i love you guys! we discussed our pencil cases, camwhored with the feather boas, and i went siao over the ribbons. as usual. hahaha.

going out with kor tml. first time in a long long time!(: haha. hope it'll be as fun and crazy as today! i really need to celebrate the end of the horrid r papers even though i didn't study much and i'm probably not going to pass chem and math. sigh. but nvm i shan't let that dampen my mood now cos i'm on a holiday high! hahaha. kind of late but well, better than never(:

and oh no, i haven't found a nice clutch for ka-jie yet. saw one at espirit but it isn't very nice and it's 29 sth. and i am so not going to pay 29 for sth that doesn't strike me as stunning. haha. well, just have to keep looking! go me! ahhaha.

sigh. i just had the most horrible day of this year yesterday. okay i know that's really stupid cos this year only consists of 4 days so far. haha. but i'm feeling grumpy so don't contradict me. yet. you can always do it when i'm feeling better. hee.

i think i'm allergic to school, cos after i got back from school, i had a migraine, my stomach was bloated, my knee joints hurt (both of them, not just the left. and the right one hurt much more than the left. and anyway i think the left one hurt only cos i used it too much while trying not to exert my right one. lol) and so did my butt. lol. and all that continued till i went to bed. now how horrid is that? sigh.

and i felt all hypocritical yesterday smiling to the people whom i know are hypocritical. ahh! i don't want to be a pretentious person. but actually i kind of still hope that our past friendships are still salvagable. i'm kind of silly aren't i? but true friendships are hard to find especially for someone like me, i'm always so introverted and stuff, so i really want to treasure all my friendships no matter how strong or weak they are. sigh.

and i'm still left wondering about the causes of everything but there's no use thinking too much about it cos i probably will never understand. ohwells. shall take my own advice to maymay and stop thinking to much.

easier said than done.

just when to aunty chee kit's house for dinner. and her two dogs are SO CUTE!!! hahaha. esp the little one with the white and brown fur and huge eyes. ahh!! i'm kind of crazy but i just can't stop thinking of them!! lol.

and of course i can't stop thinking of that but ohwells, shan't think so much. after all i have enough on my mind with the r papers le. haha.

and it's so sad that i still can't understand physics very well. sighhhhh.):

just woke up from a nightmare where ******'s mom was trying to kill me with vera wang's princess perfume. okay i know i'm lame and it's plain stupid trying to kill me with perfume but as most people who know me knows, i'm kind of sensitive to strong smells especially deoderants (is that how you spell that?) so trying to murder me with perfume isn't too silly an idea. though of course i have no idea how strong the princess perfume is. if it's too light then it doesn't exactly work see? lol.

but it kind of shows how freaked out i am by, well, those people. shan't mention names today cos i'm not in the mood. haha. i am seriously dreading the day i have to face them again. of course ignorance will be the best road to go but i don't want to lie, not even to myself. ah well, just have to trust in Him to protect.

2007! the year that leaves me terrified. or at least the 3rd and 5th of the first month of it. sigh. i don't want my r papers cos i am extremely under prepared. in fact i think i'm even worse off than during the actual papers. i wonder if they're expel me if i fail them again.): at least i know some people will be happy. sigh.

we walk by faith and not by sight
led by God's pure and holy light

i want to walk with the Lord in this year of 2007 and not backslide again, trusting in Him fully for everything. as my sister said, in the case of faith, you can either have none or everything. there is no such thing as a little faith for if you only trust in Him a little, how can it be called trust? so i hope that in this year ahead, God will guide me and keep me as sheep in His palm.

and that includes the r papers.(:

rhoda
3o1o91
nus

fashion-amour

love(:

maybe next time when i'm strong enough(:

none for the moment