i think my life really revolves around choir now

it's like not going for choir just for one saturday and my entire self is thrown into turmoil. no calming notes to soothe my frayed nerves and relieve the stress and tension accumulated, no joy stemming from the simple ability to sing, to sing with a choir, all seventy plus of us moving together in minds and souls to achieve that same goal, that same passion, of producing music, the love of our lives.

but now i'm not really part of them anymore, our goals have shifted apart
would the music still be the same?

the syf choir, and the non-syf singers
no matter how much we try to deny it, to cover it up, the division is there, plain as daylight for us to see.
and it hurts alot, to know that i'm not one of them, not one of those destined to achieve great heights for vj choir, not one of those who will contribute to the success of choir

it's just so sec2 again, where i was once again left out, left behind by the high-fliers, those whose voices were beautiful, whose stamina was there, whose tone was perfect, whose pitch was precise, those who could sing.

it all just boils down to the fact that my voice sucks. alot.
what's the point of having such a saccharine sweet throat voice when my singing voice sucks so horribly?
what's the point of having such a high pitched speaking voice when my singing voice range is so heavily limited?
just what's the point?

i'm just not good enough. ever.
no matter how hard i try, i'm always left behind.

i think i'm the one and only chorister who has never ever went for a single competition before, not even syf.
all because i'm not good enough

and i don't want to be like this

i want to be my sec2 self again, innocent, simplistic, trusting, happy, never wanting too much, just happy to be able to sing, to live

what's happened to me?
is this part of growing up?
or just a defence mechanism in a bid to protect myself from those who have hurt me cos i trusted them too much?

i wish i could be trusting once more,
no matter how many times i'll be hurt, 不管伤痕累累, if only i could trust,
things would be alot simpler

can i ever return to that time again?

i guess i've cooled down alot, recovered from the shock of the lies, the schemes, ploys and what not

i have to admit that you're a very clever person, the way you've had everyone fooled what with your cleverly thought out facades and pretences.
and your acting skills are good too though they still need a little honing

i'm a really stupid person
which is why i need a clever person like my sis or you by my side to take care of me

yet on the flip side, you're too clever for me to trust
what if it's just another of your mind games?
i want to trust you,
it's not that i don't want to, just that
it's hard, realising just how i've been caught in your web of deceit all this while
can i still trust you?

or maybe i'm just simply overreacting

but i won't be impulsive again
not this time

because there's just too many things to weigh

since when did life become so complicated?

new beginnings!

goodbye glittefloss!

and i don't appreciate your lying to me. maybe....

but then again he was probably just flirting

so once again i'm left with nothing

"the one who really cares emerges at the time you need him the most"

do you dare say anything?

and i didn't get through the 2nd auditions

but i guess you don't care
and you probably forgot anyway

and hurray to non-emo guys

maybe i'm being too cruel
but i don't want to talk to you
at least not at the moment

i'll rather leave things where they are at the moment
maybe complicate it further?
okay maybe not

but like the moth flinging itself into the flame in a fit of passion
i want to be like that

went out with victor today. actually it wasn't really a going out sort of going out. thought he was just pei-ing me to the mrt station but he followed me to chinatown. lol. and we talked lots of nonsense. and then we went to long john's for cookies and he paid for me. oops heh. actually i was only joking when agreeing to cookies but he bought for me and didn't allow me to pay. ohwells.

and now i really don't know what to do

what do you want me to do?

and yes, i do so badly want it back

or maybe i'm better off without it
only time will tell

walk away, just walk away
don't look back. ever.

your silence shocks me
but can i expect anything?

your meagre tricks show up bright and clear as if through an mri machine

i don't care anymore
but that's a lie
i do care
just that i'm tired of caring so much

maybe two steps back will allow us to see the picture clearly
scenery is always admired from a distance
so let us paint this picture with a respectable distance and may the colours come out bright and clear

but of course you might not even want to

when all i'm left with are broken dreams

if you can't promise me anything, then don't give me false hopes. don't set my hopes up high only to send me crashing down the ravine. and don't act all high and mighty about it either. the world does not owe you obeisance. no one owes you a living. no one will provide for you. fight for your own niche or be forced off the cliff.

i can see treetops!

from now on, i'll trust only the tangible, never the abstract

don't blame me for being so worldly and materialistic. you taught me that yourself. 所以别再自我陶醉，装着一幅清高。其实你是最污秽的。no one will sympathise with you. 去死吧！

rhoda
3o1o91
nus

fashion-amour

love(:

maybe next time when i'm strong enough(:

none for the moment