right after i decided to move on, you came and broke all my defenses and carefully crafted promises. and i can't believe just how easily you managed to lift me up right into cloud nine, in just about two seconds or so. it's terrible, how i am not my own person anymore, how you control me absolutely, with practically no effort on your part. it's just like gravity, keeping me without chains, holding me without touch. and it's scary. this utter lack of control on my part. i am scared. doubly so because i don't know what you want. what if, this is my own fantasy, spun out in my head?

i don't like not being in control of myself. i'm very afraid of getting hurt, of being the one who gives more, of being the one who's unable to walk away first.

and i just wish for more security to quell my fears.

i know that i shouldn't be so affected by everyone around me. i'm not a weather vane, pushed around by the forces of nature around me. i am me, my own person, why do i let everyone affect me this much? it's not the best state to be in. maybe it really is better to closet myself up again, in my very own glass box. it's too scary out there, considering how easily i fall over whenever i open myself up to anyone. it's funny though, that this is happening now. normally my emo momo period comes during december when i have plenty of time to think. but i guess that when things go up, they can only come down. so, after one of the best decembers of my life, it's time to plunge back down into reality, and re-enter my gilded closet.

goodbye.

you really can't do anything right, can you rhoda kwan? nothing has gone right ever since you shed your uniforms in exchange for the freedom of university and the working culture. nothing you ever do turns out well or succeeds. you might as well be running in the opposite direction to what you have always ran the years before, undoing the careful braids that were tied painstakingly through your first eighteen years. way to go darling. one more score to add to your growing list of failures. do you seriously think that this is just a matter of passing and failing? think of all the expectations, all the money spent, all the effort and confidence placed in you by family, friends, instructors. you can't do anything right, can you?

and stop waiting for a message that will never come. stop being stupid. nothing ever existed. see, you forgot, you forgot who you are and allowed yourself to go tumbling, head over heels and now you're all bruised and all for naught. don't ever forget, rhoda kwan, that no one will ever love you in that way that you want.

of course i'm probably all fuzzy from the nice ending of personal taste. but i think this sweetness is real. and i never want this to end.

in fact, i find myself falling faster and faster and i don't know if this is a good thing or not. it's quite scary, becoming so transparent in front of him. it feels as if there isn't a way to hide what i feel from him and this lack of something to hide behind is unnerving. i have been hiding from others' direct gaze for far too long yet i am pleased that he is making an effort to seek out who i am.

he may not be the solid, mature rock that i wish for but his ability to see me for who i am and connect to me, his sensitivity and sweetness just breaks down my defences and i find myself yearning to lean more on him.

of course this still is very much the initial period thus all the sweetness and stuff yet i feel slightly more optimistic about this. maybe it's the fact that i am approaching with caution and not just being impulsive. maybe, just maybe, this is what is meant to happen(:

i guess the fact that i am giving him time to contemplate does show that i do want this to happen and am trying to make things happen. of course these things can't be forced but at least i can know that i tried. if it doesn't happen, then it just isn't meant to be.

i just hope that whatever the outcome, we can both be happy. because, that's all that really matters i guess.

maybe this is the end of it all. even before anything started.

maybe this is God's way of telling me to move on? i have no idea. but the sadness remains, that is for sure. i have opened too much of myself to him and now having to retrace my steps, i feel even more alone than before.

i just find it so depressing that any mention of my cancer sounds the death knell of whatever budding romance that might or might not be happening. i mean like it's good in the sense that whoever can accept this will probably be able to accept me in my entirety, flaws and all. but it is upsetting to know that many a good guy will go his way because of this. and above all, the thought of losing him hurts the most.

i know that it doesn't make sense for me to describe this as losing him as i never really had him in the first place for nothing has actually transpired between us but i have come to depend upon him in a multitude of ways. and one of them is having him listen to me, whines and all. it's slightly ironic that it is exactly this that has pushed us upon the road to a natural death. oh just look at all the deathly imagery. maybe i should start on some motif of death to just make this post more literary. and my playlist just decided to start playing 分手快乐. how apt. sort of. haha. i swear itunes can read my mood.

maybe i'm just over reacting, but it's difficult to read people over msn. there is hardly any human contact and it all boils down to the words and as we all know, language is inadequate. besides, i'm terrible at reading people anyway. all i got was mixed. there was the shock of course. abit of disappointment at not being told earlier. and the slight curiousity and wanting to find out more about the condition. the stubborn optimism which can be read both ways, hope or denial. the sort of grudging admiration tinged with pity. the relief that things are more or less normal now, a refusal to admit anything less than normalcy? (do not, do not over think things) and a polite distance of oh-dear-how-do-i-treat-someone-who-might-be-terminal rounding it off.

and i will wait and see. though things are always different by the light of the day.

and it's a wonder your body is actually hardworking enough to function. honestly.

i just wish that things like this will stop happening. and to be able to walk out of all these. my life shouldn't be dictated by tempers and warped thinking on his part. my life is quite separate, thank you very much. must keep reminding myself that our lives may be slightly entwined due to the unavoidable fact of parenthood but they will, they must, develop separately from there. i will not be trapped in an abusive relationship, i will not.

and i do hope that i will not become like him either.

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