really, sometimes i think i'm no good at all.
all i do is saddle my parents with more more financial issues and tiresome health issues and on top of all that, i'm not the brightest spark around. i'm not even very emotionally attuned to them. and i don't even think very much, not to mention far. it's terrible really. i wish i were a better person, someone more worthy of their love, someone who wouldn't make them worry every couple of days, someone who could relieve them of some of the financial burdens of raising kids, someone who could make them raise their heads and be proud of. really, why can't i be like ka-jie, so much more dependable? instead i'm as skitterish as a horse in an enclosure with a grass snake, i don't even know what i want anymore and what i secretly do wish for goes completely against the grain of my family dynamics. is it wrong to yearn to perform? is it wrong to want to be a homemaker? i don't know really. there's so much conflict raging in me that i'm just generally confused, not knowing what to think. hence the lack of dependability.
what joshua said really struck a chord in me and an unpleasant one at that. i have changed. i have changed so much that the girl who was so firm in whatever she thought, whatever she believed in, so sure of who and what she wanted to be, is lost and gone and all that's left is a smattering of incomplete dreams. and somehow there is a sneaking suspicion that all will come to naught. one just simply cannot be a performer cum speech therapist cum sped teacher cum homemaker all at once. it's just physically impossible plus i don't even have the qualifications to meet half of that. nor the guts to even try. something has to give and i think it just might be me. after all, it's always the weakest link, isn't it?
