也许是我皮太厚
或也许是你老了
但昨天确实不痛不痒

ohmygoodness

i just realised how angsty and immature i sounded in the last post.
ohwells. i am angsty and immature(:

now that i've calmed down a little bit more though that's not to say i've forgiven and everything's harmonious and right since i'm someone who bears grudges but with a clearer mind i can at the very least phrase myself better and not sound so angsty and immature

do whatever you want
i don't care anymore
这对我来说已经无所谓了
你爱做什么就做什么吧
我已不在乎了
因为我认识的爹，我那深爱的爹，我那敬佩的爹，早已过逝了， 是在2005年12月过逝的
我真的好怀念他，不过人已走了，已经在也回不来了，学会放开吧，学会靠自己的力量站起来谋生吧
我相信我做得到

and i'm so proud of myself cos i can actually be level headed about all these and am not so angsty anymore
woohoo!

and thank you so much
that small gesture meant alot to me
and i mean alot
<3

你总是这样，只要我们之间有一点点的争执，你就会不分青红皂白的站在她那儿，二话不说的就把我当作是罪人。你根本都没把事情的前后搞清楚，连问都没问就会把全部的责任赖在我身上，你还算是个爹吗？你还敢称自己是个喜欢公平的人吗？呸！去死吧！我宁愿你死了算了。别再来烦我了。你根本都没爱过我。别在自以为是的继续你那无价的生存了，没人会怀念你的。你真地以为你那宝贝的大女儿真地会领受你那份溺爱吗？那你就太天真不过了。你在她心目上算是那根葱呢？她才不在乎你呢！而我呢，也管不着。你总是说着我们以后不用为你操心，放心，我们联想都没想过。这份心，是绝对不会操的。去死吧。

i just knew it would rain yesterday

celebration?
reminder?
or is even the sky crying for us?

i thought my heart would break

but who am i to speak?
let's just continue our dance
our dance that skirts dangerously round the precipice
always daring each other to take that step
down
down
down
but we never do
each pulling back just as we reach the edge

he slept a summer by my side
he filled my days with endless wonder
he took my childhood in his stride
but he was gone when autumn came

maybe i shouldn't put everything in such terms
it confuses me and tells me to do things i should not do, feelings i should not feel
it's time to stand up, up and out
face reality
before swooping into another fantasy
one where no one from reality exists
cos only then can it be perfect

it's just a fairytale

when life's burdens get so heavy
and it seems i'm all alone
i cast my cares on Jesus

fly away, little bird!
soon the stars will fade away
and the clouds bring the morning light
so take your wing and fly

forget
and forget i will
till the point when i tear no more

race you to the point

peaceful at last

(:

maybe sometimes all we need is to put down all our burdens and surrender ourselves to the Lord
for we are weak and small and cannot do anything on our own
fears may consume us, weariness may defeat us
but our Lord is evermore


Lord, as i seek your guidance for the day
i find my thoughts unyielding
confusion clouds my way
but then when i bow to you
the challenges you guide me through
Your promises are ever new
i claim them for today

Your will cannot lead me where Your grace will not keep me
Your hand will protect me, i rest in Your care
Your eyes will watch over me
Your love will forgive me
and when i am faltering, i still will find You there

each new day's design is chartered by Your hand
and graciously revealed as i seek Your master plan
keep my footsteps faithful when from You i go
return me to the joy that Your blessings can bestow

Your will cannot lead me where Your grace will not keep me
Your hand will protect me, i rest in Your care
Your eyes will watch over me
Your love will forgive me
and when i am faltering, i still will find You there

Your eyes will watch over me
Your love will forgive me
and when i am faltering, i still will find You there

saying i love you a thousand times in my heart.
你听得到吗？

today was fun
and bittersweet

memories mixing with the present, blurring the edges till i wasn't sure which was which anymore.
do you remember?

suntec. movies. the rooftop garden. the fountain. the playground. the macs.
everything, everything.

i tried so hard to ignore you and treat you as a friend. i really tried.
but obviously i didn't really succeed.
and my defences fell one by one as the day progressed

that was the poster where you took a photo of pris and me
that was the fountain where you took a photo of us
that was....

i swear suntec just is a treasure trove of memories
but of course this treasure trove really is in comparison with the little memories that we managed to make together.
but it still is alot.
especially when you're trying to forget

tried to be high. tried to run away. tried to numb myself.
well, i didn't work.
and i felt ill.

of course gastric and dehydration had a large part to play, but it still was you
my brain just is too pathetically small that it can't process so much feelings and information at one go
and with all the memories along with the onslaught of colours and sounds, i guess my brain decided to shut down

i don't want to think anymore

and of course with me feeling so awful as it is, i had to think of the times in australia where you were there for me whenever i didn't feel well, walking beside me, just being there.
and i felt even emptier

sigh.
snap out of this rhoda kwan.

walk away.

i don't know whether you care anymore
and i don't want to think anymore

do whatever you want
not that i don't bother
i just don't want to think so much, don't want to tear myself apart wondering

maybe it's better this way

but i don't know anymore

rhoda
3o1o91
nus

fashion-amour

love(:

maybe next time when i'm strong enough(:

none for the moment