it's love ;

Wednesday, June 16, 2010 6:55 PM

so what if she coughs in front of you? she's ill. she's your wife. does all this count for nothing? do you think you're some pure and holy person that no germs or stains should touch and tarnish? you're just one of us, an unclean sinner, going through life on this earth. you're no better than any of us. so stop acting so high and mighty and freaking pure when you're not. all you know is to eat, sleep, defecate and throw your weight and fists about. and i don't think that's something very noble, pardon me if i'm too stupid to understand, i'm only your daughter.

and the thing that riles me the most is the fact that much as i don't want to care, i can't for the simple reason that you are my father.

loved ;

Tuesday, June 08, 2010 12:20 PM

and once again, i tell myself to not fall in love. because i cannot stand the hustle and bustle, the turmoil and emotional roller coasters. because i cannot handle the overwhelming doubt and questions that will wash over me time and time again. because i cannot. i just can't.

love isn't just that sparkly feeling you get when you think of someone, it just isn't that tightening of the chest when someone looks at you, it just isn't the bubbling happiness that seems to envelop the world. it's alot of commitment and hard work, it is a giving up of self for a relationship, and your life would never be the same again. and much as i dream about the day i can finally be in real relationship, a marriage, a family, i know that the time has not come. i am not ready, to give myself up for this, to exchange my doubts and worries for a completely uncertain investment.

and i remind myself, not to fall in love.

loved ;

Saturday, June 05, 2010 10:06 PM

Wrestling with an Angel

reading this brought tears to my eyes. it's not everyday that something moves me this much. has my heart become so hardened? i find myself clicking repeatedly on the 'Older Posts' link in search of more of God's promised, in search of more strength, of more miracles, and more things to hope for. and just when i am about to believe that everything will work out, life intrudes again.

and everything comes crashing down.

and i find myself questioning once again, questioning and doubting the principle of marriage, the binding together into one flesh, the complete submission to one another, etc. and the cold, hard calculations come back into the picture, how one party is always giving in to the other, how one party is always the one left crying and picking up the pieces, how one party is always the one trying to hold everything together, smiling bravely to the rest of the world while storms beat and pound behind closed doors.

is this doubt wrong? or uncalled for? i really don't know anymore.

i've been told over and over again that not everyone is the same, that possessing these traits might not necessarily mean that history will repeat itself, that my life will not be the same. but who can guarantee that? what about the oedipal complex? i need solid, concrete answers, someone shining a beam into the dark uncertainty. but life never is like that.

i know i should trust God to lead me through these doubts and fears. because He has His divine plan for me. and no matter what, i only need to submit to His sovereign will and He will see me through. the way may not be smooth nor a bed of roses, there will be trials and tribulations as He moulds me into a better person, to be more like Him.

still, i fear. i don't think that i'm strong enough to go through any relationship, marriage or not. my own questions would drive me to the brink. so for the time being, i will will myself not to be involved in anything like this. but is this really God's will for me? or am i just running away from Him again?

i really need strength and comfort from God, everyday, every moment, to quell these fears. trusting really is one of the most difficult things ever. this giving up of one's battles to Him, this complete surrender, it is scary. it's almost as if i am relinquishing control of my life. it is as if i am finally stopping, no longer fighting, no longer running, but am just kneeling down, humbly asking for grace and mercy. it is a scary feeling, and i hesitate. but God and His abundant grace saves. once again.

thank You.

loved ;