i feel evil.

i made poor yixuan promise to go to church today to teach me ss cos we have the same syllabus and he SPENT THE NIGHT comparing his notes with mine so as to better teach me and i didn't turn up.): i feel just so mean. I'M SO SORRY!!! sigh. i'm such a horrid person.

and he didn't get to irritate me with the two awful songs either. nvm. he'll probably do that tomorrow. he loves irritating me just like i love suaning him. wahaha. we are the two most wicked people in church. heh. and i went and pangsehed him.)x

and he actually forgave me larh! with like no questions asked. sigh. i feel even meaner like that. ):

to make up to him, i shall let him irritate me with the two disgusting songs tomorrow and NOT SUAN HIM. yes. i can. i shall 忍! but obviously i won't tell him or he'll just irritate me like siao. hee.

when dreams merge with reality you really have to question your sanity.

ahwells. what can i do? i'm stressed. i'm stressed. i'm stressed. don't pin any hopes on me all they'll crack worse than a pinata. can't you see it? i can't fly anymore. if the wing tip is broken, the bird still might have some hope of flying, albeit rather crookedly. but if the break is closer to the body, it's a lifetime of hopping to go through.

i dreamt that i lost four fingers. why four? haha. no idea. and i woke up drenched in sweat and tripping over myself to check that my fingers were still intact. lol. till now, the supposed lost but found again digits feel a little off colour but they're working and still attached to me.

dreams were all i ever knew

maybe someone should teach me how to reach the stars in my current state. has anyone tread this narrow pathway before? i need protection from the will-o-wisps. or maybe they need protection from me. or are our steps destined to mingle and mix?

questions questions questions. that's all i really know how to do.

i dreamt that i was on the ice again. blades swiftly cutting through the new surface. sharp air rushing past. you could taste the freshness of that new ice. twirl, spin, lift, weave. it was all there, within my reach. yet when conciousness returned, the bubble burst.

do i want to wallow in my dreams?

i really don't know what is happening. we used to be so close, talking every recess, staying back after school. but suddenly it all changed, without me realising. was it me or you all who changed?

it should be me since one person is easier to change than five. yet i still feel the same. my parents treat me the same, my sister treats me the same, my other friends treat me the same. yet you all treat me as if i'm some alien from outer space. what is this widening gulf between us? why do you all ignore me? why do you all shun me?

it's weird, how after a surgery, people change so much. not the person who underwent the surgery, but those who didn't. strange huh? or maybe it's me. or maybe it's you. or you. or you. or you. or you. how would i know if you don't tell me?

i'm not going to care anymore. you don't know me and since you're not making an effort to know me but instead making an effort to not know me, i shan't bother with you either. it takes two hands to clap you know?

i don't know what you five say about me behind my back but i don't really care anymore. such friends indeed.

maybe i've caught an infectious disease and am not aware of it. or something.
which is why when i'm doing my work at a table you have to get up and go somewhere else to do your work. wow.
can you please tell me what unknown disease i'm suffering from? *rolls eyes*

i just can't be bothered to do much anymore. i'll just fail eoys and start studying a week after them to prepare for r papers. walala. how exciting. i'm so looking forward to my holidays.

my sis bought me lip gloss and eye shadow!! woots! okay she didn't buy them. i paid for them but well, she chose the colours! lol. she bought them on her supposed study outing with friends. nice light pink lip gloss from MAYBELINE. yay! my first maybeline product. lol. i feel so deprived. it'll be interesting using it cos i'm so used to fasio lip gloss already. and nice purple eyeshadow in three shades from canmake. yayyayyay! i think i'll look okay. haha. never used purple eyeshadow before. heh. i want to get grey, silver, green and maybe pink. and a darker shade of blue too. haha. i'm crazy. cos i won't get much chance to use them since i'll be studying during the holidays instead of taking part in church performances. rahh. i shall experiment with my new eyeshadow soon! yay! hahaha.

i just need some breaks from obsessing over scars and trying to keep awake.

eternal sleep.

i'm sorry.

i don't know what to think. seriously.

i'm just so tired all i can think about is sleeping and never waking up. i can't concentrate. i can't think. i can't do anything. all i feel is fatigue fatigue fatigue.

and it doesn't help that i don't tell anyone. that i pretend to be cheerful and energetic and optimistic and whatnot.

i just wish the Lord will hurry up and take me home. at least there i'll be happy all day, singing praises to His name. how wonderful that would be!

i don't praise Him enough.

it's funny how all i can think of are depressing thoughts and blank black voids when i can spend my time constructively thinking of Him. maybe i won't be so tired then.

even when i try to study i fall asleep. my brain switches off automatically after 9. can you blame me? what on earth is this fatigue? post-post-surgery fatigue? rubbish.

it's become so bad that needles and pens are heavy. typing this post requires so much effort i'm breaking out into cold sweat. what is wrong with me?

this doesn't seem like a mental breakdown. my almost breakdown last time wasn't like this. what then is this? the premature aging of my body? the shutting down of my internal systems one by one? lol.

i just want to sit against a tree and rest under the shade forever. without thinking of anything and without anything bothering me. sweet rest.

huh?

someone once told me that i didn't make sense. how true.
someone once told me that i didn't know what i want. how true.
someone once told me that i didn't treasure what i had.

bullshit.

i'm seriously confused.

i feel stupid and i feel fat. and it isn't helping me clear up my confusion.

are you leaving me or not?

*stops to wonder*

no idea.

could u please be a bit more definite? at least i am. i hope i am, that is. don't give me false hopes. i don't think i can stand the fall. but who am i to talk like this? i'm just the horrible girl who never thinks about the feelings of others and places herself in the centre of her universe. urgh.

i love squiggles. haha. the squigglier it is the better. of course they have to be aesthetically pleasing- a twirl does not a squiggle make. <--failed attempt at poetry

i am determined to draw a squiggle a day and soon my book will be full of them! yippee! i love squiggles!(: draw some and send them to me. lol i like collecting squiggles.

the previous skin was really too awful for words. at least this one looks decent. lol. wonder what came over me to use it. urgh. haha.

walk out of my life
switch off the hall light
slam the door shut

like the butterfly leaving the chrysalis
it will never come back

who knows how high you can fly?
or me for that matter

close your eyes let your spirit start to soar

what's with the ghostly stuff anyway?

A-shi-ra la-do-nai ki ga-oh ga-ah
A-shi-ra la-do-nai ki ga-oh ga-ah
Mi-cha-mo-cha ba-elim adonai
Mi-ka-mo-cha ne-dar- ba-ko-desh
Na-chi-tah v¡¯-chas-d¡¯-cha am zu ga-al-ta
Na-chi-tah v¡¯-chas-d¡¯-cha am zu ga-al-ta
A-shi-ra, a-shi-ra, a-shi-ra!

give me a little child like faith, o Lord.

smile at the little things in life
and you're realise everything isn't really that bad.

i'm not going to waste my time frowning anymore
besides, i don't like wrinkles. gahh
go away shoo.

it's useless to fight against time.
it yellows, bleaches and fades
till you realise that the product of time is totally different from the original.
simulacra!
is A' still the same person as A?

haha. first time this year that i actually listened during philo. lol. i should pay more attention during class. and stop falling asleep. i sleep too much for my own good.
i think.

i want more almond pralines! but no marzipan please, i can't stand marzipan. and no, don't ask me to sit on it.

i'm glad you're moving away.
step out of my shadow, step out!
it's hard walking out of a bumpy ride and
almost impossible to remain unscathed
after it, but step out, just step out!
i know you can. just like i know i can
stand in the rain unburdened again.
step out girl, step out. just step out of it all,
cast the old skin behind, you're a butterfly now, nothing can hold you back.
just step out, girl, step out of it all.
sing, dance, play in the rain.
throw memory to the wind and never take it back,
not even if it's thrown right back into your face.
still, step out girl, step out.
run up that hill and collapse breathless in the long overgrown grass,
roll over your side and contemplate the view.
dash to the swings and touch the sky,
step out girl, step out,
and breathe.

sometimes i just have to marvel at your stupidity. like hello? you fell right into my trap. ohwells. that was what i wanted wasn't it? why do i feel so depressed now? i saw it coming. of course i did. i sent you the msg didn't i? n made it seem as if it was sent to the wrong person. downright sneaky of me. i know. but i didn't want you hanging on anymore, i didn't want to cause you anymore pain. and now, i feel the loss. ohwells. i am quite stupid myself, aren't i?

goodbye. i guess the window will remain closed from now on.

i realised i'm always the one getting scolded, getting punished, while she gets away scott-free. it's always like that. even if it's not my fault. when you really have no choice but to punish her too, you bring mummy and me into the picture and scold and punish us too, giving her a light punishment, scolding mummy, and letting me bear the full brunt of your anger. do you really hate me that much? then why let me come to this earth in the first place? so that i can be your punching bag? so that i can be her punching bag? and hopefully so that i can be mummy's punching bag? oh just go away. i've no need for you. i hate you. and i know you never did love me. so we're even i guess. cos if you love me, the earth is flat.

i hate you. but i hate myself too. i hate the entire world. i hate everyone. shoot me.

new skin! which i find very spastic cause i haven't had a pink skin for like how many months? anyway i was just feeling bimbotic and changed it. haha. which probably gives me the right to talkk lykk dishh. lol.

i wonder how anyone can stand reading that kind of crap. i can't believe i used to do that. urgh. like how on earth do you pronounce lubXx? haha. just try saying all those consonants. hahaha.

this is one random post because i don't feel like blogging as i have just posted a super depressing post that makes no sense on my other blog. ohwells. maintaining two blogs is hard. i wonder how i managed to survive so long. haha. i'm so egoistic and puffed up!

i really do miss you. and my heart hurts just thinking about you. it really does, in this strange achy way. suprisingly, i don't hate it. this dull ache has become familiar, maybe even comforting, a pale reminder of love that once was, reduced to the ash and dust of memory. will you ever visit that attic again? will we, someday, dare to dance the steps of love together again? or will our songs never play the same tune again? i sit, and wish. upon singapore's pathetic collection of dimming stars, upon a sneeze by its own, upon a cracked note, upon a perfectly completed tray of cookies, upon a mended keychain, my mended keychain. when everything's broken and gone, maybe my wish will come true. my small prayer will come true. one day, it will. maybe not for many years to come but it will. and the little ache in my heart will continue.

bro david and sis chiao chyi married yesterday, in a wonderfully orange wedding in the little church which we always hold our weddings in with its homely green stained glass and rusty swing and shallow pond. childhood memories mingled together with the newly found bliss of newlyweds and old. i sat in one of the pews after the crowds had filed out and grinned at no particular petal lying unwanted on the red carpet. i breathed in the just fading scent of the bride's joy and the groom's happiness. life was just unfolding for them, green and luscious like a lily bulb. i reached out and untied the gauze ribbons holding the encirclement of tulips, baby breath and leafs together. they fell, leaving the ribbon limp in my hand and the wire bracket looking foolishly forlorn and redundant on the side of the pew. i gathered the flora together into a bouquet and gathered the ribbon into an abundant bow around it. the little bunch lay on the pew in the now silent hall as i made my way out through the side door, where minimal flower arrangements stood in my way.

not that i hate flower arrangements or anything of that sort. i do love flowers. but seeing the wire restraining them, cutting into their green, fleshy stems seem like cruelty to me. aren't ribbons and sponges ever enough to retain the shape of the arrangement? it appears not to be so. after all, the function of the sun is not to help the cabbages along.

oh no, you call me first.

sometimes i just wonder if you're refering to me or someone else. am i being to self-centered? i don't know. questions like these can't really be answered by yourself. you need feedback to realise your own faults. and i hope my feedback won't come back in the form of irreversible regrets.

i don't want to be your regret.

i want to be your memory, your bittersweet taste of first love. didn't someone say that first love should never work out? well, you've just gotten the taste of it. it's like durian, cloyingly sweet at first, soft and sticky, with that that wonderful aroma that lingers even when the table's cleared and the seeds and shells bare, that light bitterness that stays on your tongue for hours on end, filling you with even more longing but knowing you mustn't have anymore or you'll be ill. isn't that bittersweet represented in its entirety? it's like dark chocolate, smooth, creamy and tempting, tantalising every tastebud and sliding down your throat as you take the first bite of oozy goodness, sweet, yet bitter. licking off every single drop left on your fingers to make the sensation last longer. someone likened chocolate to sex, i'll rather have chocolate. bittersweet is the ruling taste in foods and life alike. but everyone refuses to admit it.

don't you too?

rhoda
3o1o91
nus

fashion-amour

love(:

maybe next time when i'm strong enough(:

none for the moment