i don't like this feeling at all.
this feeling of being left behind, knowing that you have moved on. you who once kept little covenants with me have broken them, even the minute insignificant ones that were our private laugh. should i be happy or sad?
somehow i feel silly, still keeping my side of the unspoken promises. the seemingly innocuous sign, a slap to the face, why do i still hold on to the hope that these ruins will stand? perhaps this is blind faith, perhaps it's my mind giving in to my heart, perhaps it's because i've become so used to this that i can't change anymore. this indelible mark, left in my life, my character, my person. branded, for life? and you have moved on.
this feeling of wondering if you are still the same person i knew. skimming through impersonal details in the hope that something will leap out and inform me that yes, you still are the lovely person you were, that you still are my friend. but i know that this is pointless for time passes and people move on. you would have changed. i know you have, even through the impersonal. is this testimony of our lost friendship? that it is strong enough for me to know you through time and space? or is this just common sense? pragmatism over ideals, dear.
i know that i shouldn't be bothered about you anymore. or at least i shouldn't let you bother me anymore. not at this extent, because you're not my life jacket, or my parachute. because i can't just chuck you aside for years and forget about you but cling onto you each time i need you. i can't. that's plain selfishness. yet that temptation's there. it's real and i can feel it much as i tell myself not to. are you still my friend? let's let the memory end here.
it's time to stand on my own two feet. my big feet(:
