someday when dreams meet reality
maybe then, i'll smile.

for now it's just bleak.







without you by me,

isn't it empty?



will you fill the void?

i'm so disappointed in the choir. as in like really utterly disappointed. though of course i have no right to be. after all i sort of left them. but it's like the entire choir was in shambles larh. the sops were screechy, the altos weren't blending, the tenors couldn't be heard and the basses were non-existent. sigh. quite a sorry state actually. though of course my singing is horrible too. sigh. and i don't think my parents will allow me to join carolling. sighsighsigh.

why do you sound so depressed? what should i do to make you happy again? it'll be difficult especially since you're be working from tomorrow onwards. there'll be hardly any time for me to msg you and for you to msg me. sighsighsigh. i miss you so so so much. i even see you in my dreams. you're so real and tangible there. at least i can see you there. be near to you. close to you. unlike when i wake up and theres miles between us. i'll rather sleep thank you. i smile the moment my head touches the pillow. for i know that it is only that way that i can access the realm where i can see you. would you access that realm with me?

you accepted the song. you went to search for the english translation without me asking you to. now is that sweet or sweet? haha. i'm crazy yes i know. hee. anyway, do you realise what i wanted you to realise? sigh. this is such a guessing game. although it's tiring it's nice and unexpected too. i like it like this. i'm crazy am i not?

jay chou sucks larh seriously. and donovan chan had to get me his cd for my birthday. i haven't heard a nice song from this album yet and i'm at the fourth song already. if he's online i'll just tell him the album sucks. haha. i'm so mean. heehee.

i just sent you a song. whether i should tell you i love you or not depends on whether you accept the transfer or not. of course i'll do it in a sort of roundabout way probably by the lyrics or something. but it all depends on you. 你会接受我这份意思吗？i hope so. i really do. please accept the transfer. please please please. but if you don't i guess that's okay too. at least i won't bring you so much pain that way. please maintain your smile whatever happens kay? i love you. nor saranghandago.

is it me, or are you avoiding me?

haha. 自找。自作自受。BAKA. 愚蠢，真是太愚蠢了。rhoda arh, 振作点！让他走吧。别再缠着他了，让他自由吧。sigh.

trying so hard to forget you. it really is exhausting. and i'm just being plain stupid by obsessing over lee joon ki just to forget you. i mean like sure i like lee joon ki as an actor but i don't normally obsess that badly over actors and stuff. i'm just trying to preoccupy myself so that i won't think about you anymore. but it doesn't seem to be working. i find myself crying over you twice as much as i normally do. i'm practically clinging to 牛奶 now. do you know? do you care? even if you do know, please just ignore me. just let me be. i don't want you to be burdened down by me anymore. just let me live my broken doll's life. cold and very much alone.

you've given me more than enough happiness to last me several lifetimes. thankyou.

why is it that you haven't messaged me for the entire day? do you really wish to give up what is left of our friendship? i know have to right to say such things, but i really do miss you terribly. unable to see you, unable to hear your voice, unable to msg you. it hurts. not being able to know what you are doing hurts much more than being near you. i'll rather just be within a few feet of you and not say anything. much like what we do during school hours. i just want to know what you're doing, what you're thinking. i just want to know you. i know that at this point of time, whatever i say is useless. 因为我没有脸见你。我已不能像以前那样，潇洒地在你身边，已经无法接触你的心了。这也是我自找的吧。哎，我可真是笨透了呀。baka. absolutely baka. 对不起。我的确对不起你。

我们真得无法回到那个时候了吗？

Ima doko ni iru no?
Ima dare to iru no?

rahh. i'm going crazy over you. really don't know what to do.

sigh. i really should stop being such an emo person. rahh. be happy girl! you can do it!! woots!

Tatoe hitori demo aruiteyuku kara

you can do it girl!!

and stupid me forgot to take my iron tablets this morning. sigh. stupid forgetful me.

i really really love the korean drama my girl.

why am i typing like this?

i wish i could be more frank and put my feelings out on this blank screen. but somehow i can't do it. my brain which finds lit essays manageable cannot put my thoughts into words. language is indeed inaedequate. sigh. language please don't fail me.

i know i shouldn't have left you then. but i did leave you. and what's done is done and cannot be reversed. but i have never stopped loving you. you were always on my mind despite of me trying to tell myself not to think of you. but it was too exhausting trying not to love you. so i gave up and decided to love you secretly. but i guess i was too obvious and you still knew. why is it that you are the only one who can read my heart so easily? even my parents find it hard to do so. and now that there is no reason for me to not be with you, i realised just how selfish i am. throughout all this i had never really considered your feelings, never really thought of what you were thinking about. how could i have been so selfish. and now, now that i thought i might atone for it, i have to courage to face you. and yet you somehow understood without me telling you and said that you would just be good friends with me. i am such a horrible person. sorry, i really am.

sorry.

sigh. i shall not think about the class for the time being. sigh. so irritating. i shall just concentrate on watching korean dramas like my girl!! woots! haha. apart from having a nice plot, my girl has like the shuaiest guy on earth. okay i'm exaggerating. but he is quite shuai lorh. lee joon ki!! hahaha. i am going crazy over him. lol. i already went abit siao over him earlier on because of his role in the king and the clown. but he looks oh so shuai in my girl. and it doesn't help that his role is so pitiful. and his acting skills are like really much better than the main character dong wook's. haha. or maybe it's cause i'm just plain biased. hee.

i'm so sorry for ignoring this blog for so long. sorry blog! okay that was absolutely lame.

i've been feeling totally down and out and disillusioned and what not. i feel like deleting my other blog. anyway probably half of all who read the other blog hate me anyway. like defaming me on my tagboard and stuff. and since stupid me forgot my user and pw and wonderful cbox refuses to send me either, i can't delete all those defamations from my board. rahh. i am seriously irritated with my life.

why do i have such a horrible father and a sister who takes me as her punching bag? why do i have such horrible classmates who treat me as some kind of monster just because okay i don't know why they treat me that way but they just do. and stupid mr yang just had to put in my helmsman report that i needed to 'play a more influential role among my peers'. yarh right. how to when they all just treat me like part of the landscape? thankfully i still have ylynn pris and jill and the guys or i'll just die or sth and no one will even remember me. i seriously don't know what those awful girls told mr yang about me. probably something like i just stopped talking to them for no reason whatsoever or something like that. they're more than capable of doing things like that. urgh. can't believe i used to think of them as friends. and i so don't like myself for bitching about them behind their backs down here. sigh. i really am such a pathetic creature.

that's it. i'm deleting my other blog. okay. maybe i shouldn't. i'll delete my tagboard then. just put comments there. at least i can moderate my comments without stupid servers not allowing me too. rahh.

oh yuck this post is just so emo. eww.

i'm all clear.

praise the Lord!(:

i really am so relieved to know that i can be declared cancer free without going through either radiation or chemo. it really is a blessing. it was like i was just so prepared to go bald already larh. i had even planned out different outfits to give a sort of street edge to my bald head. haha. i think ahead kay. but thankfully, i won't need to go to that now. i'm all clear!((:

i like my scar. for the time being that is. cos now it's just one nice straight(almost) line which doesn't bulge and isn't a weird colour. but i know that within a few weeks or so it'll start to bulge and turn red and purple and become oh so ugly. and then i'll start to hate it. i'll probably hate it even more than my previous one cos this one is like 8cm longer. rahh. so ugly. eww. anyway i'll just continue liking it now cos it's still nice and normal looking. hee.

but now that i don't have cancer, i don't know what to do when i see you. cos i left you because i had cancer(ooh, how nice to say had. haha) but now that i'm clear, what should i do? i know that you know that i still like you and you still like me. but what should we do? i really am too selfish. how can i treat you this way? sigh. i'm such a horrid person. i must learn to consider other people's feelings before acting and not to act on impulse. i really am quite an impulsive person. sigh. can't i ever be more mature? i don't want to hurt you anymore. so what should i do?

and i just promised yixuan yesterday that i'll stop sighing.

oh i don't like myself. can't seem to find any single aspect worth loving. i'm just a broken doll. shut up.

i'm rotting at home. sigh.

haha. it's like so queer. cos during the school year, all i wished for was for the holidays to arrive quickly. and now when i have this early hol(my mc), i just wish i could go back to school. ahah. people are just weird. but i kind of expected this to happen larh. even when i was talking to him last time and we were sort of wishing for the hols to hurry up and come, i already told him that during the hols we wouldn't really enjoy the hols as much as we thought we would during the school year. haha. people are such ironic creatures. never really satisfied with what they have. the grass is always greener on the other side, or so we think. is that really so? hmm.

your letter to me for my birthday was really sweet. bittersweet rather. with the bitter outweighing the sweet. as usual. and maybe i prefer it that way. my tastes have always been queer ever since i was a child, preferring bitterness to sweetness. even with durian, i had always preferred those with bitter undertones. which is probably why my birthday cake from my parents was mocha. 甜中带苦，苦中带甜. two distinct flavours mixing and blending together to form that rich, creamy aftertaste. i like that. you can't really tell where the sweetness ends and the bitterness starts. everything is just blended together. now that's what i call good cake. lol. swissbake really does have nice cakes. and their pies are a must-try. so lovely and cheesy. woolala.. and i love mixing mint choc ice cream with italian coffee ice cream. have you ever tried that? venezia's gelato is ideal for that mixture. light mint amidst dark coffee undertones with just the right crunch from the chocolate bits. it's good comfort food. haha.

now how did a letter start me on food? hmm.. i really am a pig. haha.

rhoda
3o1o91
nus

fashion-amour

love(:

maybe next time when i'm strong enough(:

none for the moment