i think i'm just about the most useless person ever

i want to be with him but i can't
i want to obey the Lord but i can't

i just can't seem to do anything right anymore

and yesterday was just absolutely wasted larh
nevermind
i should just stop thinking so much

the epitaph woman
died at thirty, buried at sixty

and me?
lived for twelve days, and am still waiting to be buried

i just wonder what do you think of me now

do you hate me?
do you still like me?
do you want to talk me?
do you want to shun me?

i wonder as i wander out under the sky

it's really so sad that we don't talk much anymore
msn's still fine, sms's gone down the drain and face-to-face's non existent
and all i want to do is hug you and tell you that all is fine

i really should stop being so escapist
running away from him and the cr mugger group is not going to help things at all
hiding behind the protective shelter of xianhui, elizabeth, sophia and reuben aren't going to make things better
putting up my facades of highness and bimboness aren't going to make him understand and let him feel better
in fact all i'm doing is putting more distance between the two of us
and i can feel the gulf widening
when what i really want is to break down the wall that seperates us

yet, i've backslidden just too much already

the two ends of a rope bridge
both ends hidden by the mist and fog
both seemingly unstable
both seemingly unattainable
and i'm torn between the two, not knowing which to choose, which way to go
for both are equally important to me
even though i know God should be first place in my life
sheesh

and should i attend the masquerade again?

and i want a baby

oh no. maternal instinct attack again. bleahh

looks like we're going down the same path that all the others went too
and i thought you were different
but who am i to complain?

i know i should know this by now
but i still don't

how wonderful

i think i might need some guidance over here
let's go find the north star

made my decision

wonder what you'll think or do or react or whatever

few more days left to ensure that this is really what i want
cos double lives are the hardest thing to lead
and i never had much leadership qualities

i want to stand in the center of the earth and shout out my love for you
so that at least i know that i tried
even if you won't be able to hear
well, it's the thought that counts, isn't it?

i want to learn how to fly
jumping off the cliff that we always avoid with great deliberation
cos i don't like building up walls
though it's always me who lays the first brick, the cornerstone
can i be the one who knocks it down this time round?
but i know i'll never have the courage to do so

i want to travel back in time
back when we were happy and fine together
or maybe back when we didn't love each other
so as to prevent any such hurt and pain from happening
i'll gladly play secret a hundred times just to ensure that you don't get hurt
just that i'm too insignificant to be able to affect the times of change and i really can't play the piano for nuts

at least the pair of purple glass pigs with gold swirls are intact and happy in their little world
still living in blissful peace and happiness
i wouldn't destroy that
no, that's the last thing i'll ever destroy
for it represents just too much

and i wish time will stop right now

and i'm really bad at this

is our friendship going to be limited only to tagging on my tagboard and telling each other that we tagged on our msn convos?
i don't want it to be like that.
i want to cry on your shoulder, lean on you when i'm in pain, rest against your back when i can't walk anymore, lie in your arms when i faint, watch secret on the sofa together, play si shou lian tan and lu xiao yu, play angel eyes with me on the piano and you accompanying on the guitar, walk all round east coast park, sit on the breakwater, hide behind your shadow, confide in you, do the lu xiao yu trick, tease each other with threats of cheek pinching, rubber band pulling and fringe tying, jokes of meanies and minis....just being with you, everyday of my life
and i realise we've done all that except the first
and memories hurt
especially when i know that it's my hand which destroyed all that

if only..
i hadn't been so impulsive

why do i have to choose between the two, my Lord and him?

i despise myself.
really.

i seem to do nothing but toy with feelings and break hearts.

yes, i do love him. alot.
but there are the Lord's commands to obey
oh Lord, i know i should follow Thy will, but it's just so hard to do. please help me oh Lord. and help him too.

why do i always fall in love with the wrong people and hurt them so badly?

i know i shouldn't be, for after all it's beyond your control, but i do feel disappointed. actually i wanted to put a little disappointed but that would be a lie. it's bleak black disappointment that stretches down into a bottomless pit that threatens to engulf me should i tip into it by accident. and the cliff i'm standing on is no safe haven either.

and i know that you know how i feel. and that you're probably feeling really horrid for it. and i really should stop being so silent and all cos it'll only make you feel worse and it isn't even your fault.

but i just can't help it.

was totally looking forward to spending a week with you in camp, seeing you hear God's Word and His message, hoping that you would somehow or rather come to believe.

maybe... my heart wasn't right with God. i don't know.

but thank you for today.

a home that doesn't feel like a home
just about as homely as a hotel

how coincidental that we were talking about hotelier this afternoon

and it's just so much like xiao yan zi's beng beng xi
yupp, i'm reading huan zhu ge ge again
it's like this fairytale land where i can feel all the emotions in the spectrum and yet be comforted knowing that everything will still be fine after all the conflicts
guess i just need some consolation, that no matter what, fairytale endings do happen
everyone will be happy together
happy families actually exist
guys are actually trustworthy
and love can actually be forever

“张口啤，呸呸呸，狠心的郎君去不会，说我是鬼，我就是鬼，我那个冤家心有不轨！张口啤，呸呸呸，你要是狠心我也不回，说我不对，我就不对，谁叫你无情无义心儿黑！”

yes, i know this quote was directed to her husband, but it still kind of applies to me and my dad too.
“说我是鬼，我就是鬼”
“说我不对，我就不对”
isn't that just so apt?

oh Lord, please grant me patience

for i am at my wit's end on how to be civil to papa
cos he's just such an asdfghjkl

actually i wanted to swear but i decided that i shan't be unfillial, therefore i have practised self censorship
goodness, i'm actually practising self censorship on this blog.

what has the world come to?

seriously i'm really scared

afraid that what i'm doing is the wrong thing
afraid that i'll take the wrong path again
afraid that all i'm doing is destroying him
afraid that.... afraid that he won't accept me

yes, i still haven't told him yet

rhoda
3o1o91
nus

fashion-amour

love(:

maybe next time when i'm strong enough(:

none for the moment