i'm 15! hahaha. it really was nice when so many people suddenly turned up at my doorstep yesterday. like 7 of them. sigh. i have such wonderful friends. and it was loads of fun cause jill pris and kenny all couldn't get the matches lighted up so we had to light the candles from the stove instead. hahahaha. really very cute. and cream flowers were squashed due to jill's wonderful sense of balance. we should learn from ahmad! hee. and then they started singing the pokemon song. LOL. haven't like heard it in ages. we are just so infantile. but that just makes it more fun right? hmm.. next birthday up is ylynn's. hope i can celebrate it with her!(:

thanks so much people!(:

i really do have to say that i like you. haha. 真逊. after going in a huge circle, i'm back to square one. ohwells. life's just like that i guess.

so here i am lazing at home wondering if my mom is dying in her surgery now waiting for you to message me. hmm.. just how cold-blooded am i?

i love you mummy, hope the op isn't very painful. hope you don't have cancer, cos it really is very disgusting. esp since yours would be breast cancer. ouch. like double the horror.

sigh. last night i dreamt that i was all alone, and that no one.. okay nvm. i don't feel like talking about it. ohwells. i just wonder...

Moshimo hitotsu dake
Tatta hitotsu dake
Kanaerara nara
Nani o inoru kana

sigh. just realised that although i told you not to be so emo on your blog, i'm being like ultra emo here. haha. ironyirony. i never should have read flaubert's parrot. it just serves to complicate matters. ohwells.

you just seem so much more alive in my dreams
is that what i want you to be?

hmm. i still haven't really woken up from my nap one hour ago. sigh. hope i don't go round banging into walls like i used to do. heh.

anyway happy birthday to you.(:
if only i could spend your special day with you. sigh. and i can't make your present in my current condition. ohwells. maybe i'll postpone it. sigh.

today is such a weird day. just keep drifting in and out of sleep. sigh. the magic of it all. to submerge completely into dreams. maybe i want it that way.

kono mama itai keredo
toki ga sugite iku

ohwells.

maybe that's all that it is. a dream

i'm back! haha. with a 15cm scar. ohwells. what can i say? i'm clean, i've cleared my bladder, i'm full. relatively happy. yet there's this emptiness inside. again. ohwells. i'm just so plain and my feelings are like so readable like a book. so boring. no one would ever bother with a story like mine. she had cancer. she died. she didn't. that's it. how interesting right?

blah.

i should have died in the operation. just stop all the pain i cause everyone around me. i just want my ashes to be kept in a pretty little anna sui inspired pink box with black detailing and left somewhere, best forgotten. i think that would be really nice. maybe a white candle with a few white flowers there too?

sigh. i just knew something like this would happen. i'm going for my third operation in 5 months! on thursday. like wow. so rush. ahhaha. but they actually wanted to operate on me like in august or september but due to my exams they pushed it to mid october. ohwells. and suprisingly i'm not very affected by it. it's like just so numbed already. sigh. and i actually laughed and joked while i had blood drawn for my blood test. i am seriously starting to question my sanity.

but the first thought that ran through my mind when dr tan said that he wanted to schedule the op on thursday was oh no! i haven't got his present yet. sigh. it's like i've already thought out what i wanted to give him but can't do it just yet. and now i won't be able to cause i'll be on crutches! rahh. looks like i'll have to change my plans? but it's quite hard as i can't go out and buy anything either. sighsighSIGH. i'm sorry for not getting your birthday present. ):

and i really didn't know if i should tell you or not. but well, i guess it'll just depend on whether you read this blog or not. it's at times like this when i wonder what on earth am i doing? but actually i wonder about that most of the time too anyway. hee. you know what? i miss you. i really do. but yet i can't. but i just can't help but miss you. and reading furuba doesn't really help either cause i just see so many parallels especially between haru and rin. ohwells. i'm reading too much into things.

and oh, i love my french manicure.(: the nurse at the hospital thought it was done by professionals. hehheh.

urgh. my knee hurts dreadfully. i wonder why. ohwells. seeing dr tan tomorrow. hopefully i can start my treatment soon. just want to get it over and done with. who wants to live in the shadow of cancer?

i told pris and jill about my sickness while we were at forever 21 trying on stuff. i don't know why but i just blurted it out. ohwells. i really should learn how to bridle my tongue. they were like really stunned and couldn't say anything for like 5min. only after we started changing then did they ask me about it. i just told them some sketchy details and did my usual i'm not very sure myself thing. but one thing is true, the doctors don't know what to do with me. heehee. i must be quite a headache for them. sigh.

suddenly i don't think telling the class about my sickness is a good idea. the girls are like super against me for some obscure reason that i don't even know of and i can just like imagine what will happen if i tell. think along the lines of mass hysteria and mean girls. of course there will be those who will try to be nice, but to what extent can nice go? not very far actually.

it's just like at the open house. perle and stephanie kept coming over to our booth cause they had nothing to do and caitlin was there with us at the writers' circle booth. which is quite duh cause she's our pres. and so they were just like sitting on the sofa which the guys lugged down from 11 and talking to caitlin while ylynn and i just moped about reading. oh i was reading lolita. haha. quite amusing but it's quite hard to swallow especially since i haven't really read much this year. i must get back into the motions! haha. so yarh, they were just talking and using ernest's ibook. steph was quite nice. she would like look at me and smile her usual cute way but perle and caitlin just completely ignored me like i was non-existent or just a speck of dust. albeit one that read books. well, what can i say? yinhong came quite a few times too and at least she would talk to me a little. sigh. i wonder what on earth did i do to incur their irritation and wrath? they should just like have the decency to tell me what i did. like seriously.

but anyway i've become closer to ylynn through this. i think. haha. at least we wasted 7 hours of our lives away together at the open house.

i think i'm like grasping at straws here, trying to retain the last bit of goodwill that the class can offer me. and i have this sneaky feeling things won't be better next year. probably quite the opposite. sigh.

sometimes, when i look at all that i've done, i wonder about the extent of my stupidity. people can't change. they just can't be changed. and you can never protect them. protection is impossible, just an ideal dreamt up one day by someone not yet tainted by the world. you can never offer protection and can only hurt yourself in the process of trying to protect your loved ones.

have you ever looked up at the sky and wondered about it's blueness? how it could be so wonderfully blue yet so cold and empty at the same time? well, maybe that's only for me. cause everything's been empty since you've been gone. and i know it's my fault and that only makes things worse.

i talked to ylynn on saturday where we wasted seven hours of our lives away sitting on a couch and staring at random people at the concourse during open house. and she told me that her ex-classmates which are your ex-classmates too, duh, didn't like you anymore because you've changed. you've changed into someone who's just so emo and refuses to stop 钻牛角尖. and it hurt. cos i realised that you're like this because of me. i don't want you to lose your friends over me. can't you just walk away and stop thinking about me? i don't want you to be hurt anymore. it hurts me to see you hurt and i just wish i could take all the hurt and hate in your heart away. i wouldn't mind bearing it for you.

sigh. just what have i done?

i seriously don't know what to say. guess what? i think we really need to talk. not just over blogs but like face to face or something. yet, i don't even know what to say. sigh. i feel just so pathetic.

and i think i know why i always feel so tired nowadays. or rather since like don't know when. because trying to hate you is like the most exhausting thing ever and i don't think i'll ever be able to do it. i guess watching tv isn't that bad after all cos i get to realise some stuff. ohwells. i am officially in love with grey's anatomy.(:

i know i'm a liar. you don't need to tell me. and you know why i lie? in a pathetic attempt to try to shield you from the pain being with me will give you. or maybe you're suffering even more now. sigh. i am stupid aren't i?

you do realise that whenever you say that you want to talk to me, you never do? and i'm left hanging, wondering what you really wanted to say. do i care whether i'm hurt or not? no. obviously not. i like hurting myself anyway. not physically though. i don't like the thought of more scars.><" and besides its all numbed inside. maybe i won't even feel it.

you know something? you've never hurt me before. it's always me hurting both of us. oh yuck. i'm so awful and disgusting and irresponsible. you don't need to blame yourself. if anything, it's me. i'm sorry.

changing people is hard. in fact, it's impossible. the only way a person can change is when the person himself wants to change. others can't do it. maybe it'll happen for a while, but they always revert back. the older, the harder it is to change. is changing people even worth it? all the tears, all the effort, all coming to naught when they revert. sigh. why do i even try?

why do you always haunt my dreams at night? not that i don't like it. but when i wake up, the feeling of loss always overwhelms me that i can't help but cry. curled up into a little ball under the covers with all the stufftoys you gave me lining the wall on my bed silently observing.

do i want you to blame me? maybe.

someone once said of me," 她的舌头很毒，再怎么伤人的话都说得出。但她不会说保护自己的话。" i know that that's true, but i don't want to change. i want to be able to hurt myself by the words i speak. i want to savour the sharp pain of hurt, rejection and regret. i think i'm queer. haha.

我爱你。爱到我想毁掉自己。

i feel like letting go.

yet i'm too deep in. the loss would be too great.

崩溃. that wouldn't be too surprising, won't it? i'm already teetering on the edge. i won't be surprised if i fall. may the fall break me, hard. i'm not going to stop myself from falling anymore. i'll just leave it up to God. will i fall or stand?

i don't care what anyone thinks anymore. you can hate me. you can like me. do i care? i don't even know myself anymore. sigh. see what happens when you play with fire? you burn yourself beyond recognition. just a blackened corpse. nothing left behind except for maybe a glass bottle containing pink crystals. even the rose has withered away. what is left behind? maybe shattered dreams.

shards of broken glass. that prick and bleed the feet of those who try to pick through the debris.

that's what happens when dreams and reality meet and mix. no one, nothing can prevent the destruction. of life, of dreams?

like a songbird with a slit throat, lying unwanted on the littered street, blood staining fabric.

when pain is dulled and spirits crushed. then, would the flower bloom again, pure and white, symbol of hope and innocence, lifting spirits, building dreams.

but nothing can restore that song again.

i'm sorry i talked to you last night and msged you today. ohwells. my self-restraint really is incredibly low. last night was still justifiable because no one else was online and i was DESPERATE for someone to teach me linear law. and clever little me forgot to learn coordinate geometry and trigonometry and everything else. i did look through them but they obviously didn't stick because i was staring at the math paper blankly while people all round were scribbling furiously like their lives depended on it. SIGH. at least it was better than physics. i left half the number of blanks which is an improvement i guess. my last math test was practically blank. at least i wrote something for this exam. haha. whether it's correct or not is a totally different story. but it's still something right? haha.

and i shouldn't have msged you today. sighsighsigh. i really have terrible self-control.

i think alot of people are burning out and getting discouraged as the exams progress. can't say that i haven't been discouraged but thanks to God and many good friends i've managed to pick myself up and not fall down that black pit. i'm relatively cheerful today. i guess it's the thought that friends are finishing their exams which means my exams are going to be over soon! but i can't get into holiday mood yet or my chem, la and lit will just go straight to the sewer. concentrate. rahh.

it's the mooncake festival today! happy mooncake festival people! shall take a break and have some highly fattening mooncakes tonight and grow fat and hopefully not die. haha. but fatty foods are comforting. haha. maybe i'll gain 2 kg during this exam period. hee.

and hongsheng says that he is going to sponsor 2a'05 for a class outing in europe. set arh!(:

sometimes, i really feel as if i don't know you. it's like, you can be one person this moment and be that person the next. and there never seems to be any warning when you switch. or maybe they were both there all along and i was just too blind to notice.

did you ever realise that it hurts everytime you say the f word? i flinch and it feels as if something within me is lost to me and gone forever. i know i used to say it all the time too. but when i thought about it, i realised that it's actually very meaningless. i mean what has daily life got to do with sexual intercourse? unless you're very sexually active that is. or maybe when you see this post you're just say the f word again and close the window. ohwells.

i don't know what to say. seriously. i'm just so tired and confused. just can't seem to string all my thoughts into a proper chains. everything's just floating about, jumbled up, making no sense. and somehow, this sense of loss is predominant.

i really really want to message you. but i can't. and i shan't. why break 3 months of abstinence? i can't let my careful and painstakingly built up un-correspondance break down just like that. i can't let you have any hopes on me, see? so it's just me talking to my stuffties again.

cramps hurt. i wish i wasn't born a girl so i won't have to endure this irritating monthly pain. it just gets worse and worse. mummy says it's because my body is too weak. sigh. i must be strong! not just mentally but physically too. which is really very hard since being strong mentally uses up alot of physical strength and being strong physically can't just be influenced by mental strength alone. so i can't really be strong both ways at the same time. maybe after i'm well again, but not now. i just tire out too easily.

i don't feel like studying. people are burning out. i'm burnt out. that's the main difference i guess. just can't get myself to study. sigh. it's only been three days girl! go go go study! but somehow the sight of all my notes doesn't seem so intimidating anymore. do i care if they topple and fall?

sigh sigh sigh. i must study! cos i don't really wish to take the r papers though i know it probably is inevitable at the rate i'm going. SIGH.

actually i love being a girl except for the cramps part. haha. i love being given the right to whine and whine and whine. haha. actually i don't whine that much. it's quite irritating. haha. but i love all girly stuff. and giggling. and talking in high pitches. and shrieking. and acting bimbotic. and did i mention clothes? haha.

oh that reminds me. while i was battling out my cramps during the last few minutes of the chinese paper, (they started much earlier but i managed to 忍 till i finished. see? i'm strong. lol.) i was designing quite a few outfits in my head. which signals the start of a frantic rush to save up and a thorough scouring of shops both online and offline. walala. i hope cream still has that brooch.

notice the register numbers...

*counts*

you're a multiple of me?

i'm on a wishing-people-all-the-best-for-exams spree. haha. and i get the lamest replies. haha. but it's a good way of judging how close that person is to you. what a wonderful method! i should do this more often. haha. as a measure of whether a person is close to me or not. lol. i feel kind of clever. lol.

didn't get to be irritated by yixuan today. he didn't come. or at least i didn't see him. he fractured his foot o.O in circumstances so weird i wouldn't have thought of it in my wildest dreams. but he managed to trip over a soccer ball, fracture his foot before scoring a goal. see the wonderful things lame people do? lol.

i don't want to have exams. they're tomorrow and i'm wishing i'll have a heart attack in the middle of the night or sth so i can't go to school. sigh. and it's doubly horrid since it's children's day today! since we're in the grey area between young adults and children, they should at least have the decency to push our exams to tuesday. rahh. there goes my children's day. sigh. how horrid.

Hot pile on the candy
it's such a pretty sight
it makes the food taste dandy
but my tummy hurts all night

oh no. i've been influenced and i can't get that song out of my head. urgh.

rhoda
3o1o91
nus

fashion-amour

love(:

maybe next time when i'm strong enough(:

none for the moment