i don't know why i try so hard
when there simply is no point

and i caught a flu

gahh

went to church for the first time in two weeks, and well, the attention was abit too much. even ******* whom i have not spoken more than 5 words to in my entire life in church (she was there ever since i can rmb) came up to me n chatted like an old friend. hmm. a leg brace n crutches does tt to ppl i guess. lol. but everyone was very nice and prayed for me. n i could really feel the warmth radiating from them unlike in school.): ohwells. anyway i should be able to eat egg soon! yippee!(:

glass bottle,
lost and alone,
lying unwanted on the sand.
battered by waves,
attacked by crabs.
never a moment of peace.
between high tide and low,
it cried out it's fear,
but no one really heard.

yet it was not always so.

it had been sent on a mission,
a noble one at that.
never mind that many had
been sent this perilous way.
big or small,
round or square,
nothing really mattered.
the crux of this whole play,
was the curl of
blue-tinged, lavendar scented, slightly transparent, flower-embossed, 5-by-2 centimetre paper
fitted snugly into the glass bottle.

nothing really mattered.
it didn't.

the one who had sent it
was not bothered
of the fate of her glass bottles.
shattered or cracked,
or simply left alone,
who cared?

as long as her curl of
blue-tinged, lavendar scented, slightly transparent, flower-embossed, 5-by2 cemtimetre paper
and the words it carried
were safe.
that was all that mattered.

but the glass bottle was never to know.

i enjoy talking in riddles. my other blog is chock full of them. but i want to be truthful in this blog therefore the lack of riddles and befuddling poems. actually i use riddles not so much for the enjoyment. it has somehow become 2nd nature to do so. it takes an effort to put my thoughts across plainly but riddles and flowery language pop out in my mind faster than popcorn. why? maybe i use it to stop people from finding the real me. i used to be terrified of that. maybe i still am. i don't know. or maybe i have succeeded in submerging myself under so many facades that i can't even find me. maybe that's why i can't speak in plain, simple english. i wonder if people find me a nice person. cause that's been the image i've been trying to project for ages. maybe they think i'm a nice, simple girl who is stupid and blur. and that would mean that i have succeeded. or maybe they just see a girl who's trying to be nice but can't really pull it off. or maybe my act is so transparent that they can see right through me like glass. that'll be quite sad. cos then they can see what a terrible creature i really am.

the full reality just hit me

and i think the world forgot me.

i just love the song inochi no namae from sen to chihiro no kamikakushi. it is just perfect. the best song tt i have ever heard. n it never fails to lift my spirits whenever i'm feeling down.

went back to school today for the first time after two and a half weeks. don't really feel anything much. everything was pretty much numbed. the sudden onslaught of care from people who didn't really care, the curious heads that gathered round. everything seemed just so unreal, so surreal. what really matters? who really cares? those who talk to me with wide smiles trying to find out about my op? or those who sit quietly beside?

does it even matter?

i don't think so. many think so. but i don't. and it's not because of rebelliousness. i really do think so.

what matters is my Lord. of course fellowship with other Christians is important or rather crucial for me to grow in the Lord. and i'll be able to help others too. hopefully that is. and of course to spread the Word.

talking to jinghuan, i realise that my true friends really were in dunman. it's sad really. i wish i never left.

went for my checkup today. dr tan was erm, very busy. as usual. what did i expect? but i think he's a good doctor. at least he's supposed to be. lol.

so he looked at my nice little railway track of a wound and said that it was healing nicely. so i'll be able to remove my leg brace at the end of the month! whoopee! no more weird stares! or at least less anyway. haha. ppl just like staring at anything out of the ordinary and 7cm centipede-looking scars are anything but ordinary. so he said that although the tests said that the margin was clear, there still were a few cancer cells in the margin larh. thank the Lord! however, there was a cluster of cancer cells at the back near the joint and muscle and what not (i'm not very familiar with my anatomy) and as it was too near he couldn't risk taking it out. ohwells. always save the leg right? and cos for the past few days my left lymph node, or however it's spelled, was a little swollen. but i'm not sure if it's a lump or not cos it's irritatingly beside the hip bone so all i feel is well, swollen flesh. yarh. so asked him and he couldn't tell either. ha! my skills aren't tt bad after all. heex. so it's either a reaction from the op which is quite normal and will go down after a while. or the cancer has spread. comforting right? haiz. my life seems to be revolving round the word cancer now. horrid. it is so not the center of my life kay. and i will not let it be. cos God will always be my first priority.

anyway, dr tan said that the board of radiologists will bring my case up soon and discuss. especially my case cos it's going to be controversial. i wanted to ask, how controversial is controversial? will i appear in the papers? lol. he said that as i'm still young and growing (finally someone who realises tt i GROW) and radiation stunts growth, my case will probably be argued for quite a long time. he gave it a month. lol. the board must be pretty fickle right. but of course it's probably because they want to use the holistic approach. maybe there's still hope for my left leg to grow. don't let me down leg!(:

just hope that during this month the cancer cells won't continue to multiply. nasty little things. gahh. but things seem to be looking good. praise the Lord!(:

papa just talked to dr chua. he's not my doctor in charge btw. he's just a radiologist we know in church. n a very high ranking one at tt.(: papa told him abt my case n he said tt there r three things which might happen.

one. i go through the normal chemotherapy treatments(eww...), drop my hair, lose my blood count or rather further lose my blood count since i haven't really recovered from the op until i've been given the green light. this would ensure tt all other naughty cancer cells in my body which not yet have died will well, erm, die. yarh. strictly speaking. tts what's supposed to happen, though knowing cancer cells just have the reputation of hanging around even after they've been declared dead.

two. i go through radiation. which is more centralised and won't affect other parts of me except the cancer-stricken one. in this case, my knee. it will successfully wipe out all cancer cells which might still be lingering around in my knee and then my case will be more or less closed other than the normal routine checkups. but, here comes the big but, radiation will stunt my growth. which means tt my left leg won't grow anymore after that. fine, except for the fact that i'm having my growth spurt right now. like what?? u want me to have one leg shorter than the other? i thought the whole purpose of the two successive operations was to save my leg. and he still told me right in my face that by my age my growth spurt should be over. like hello? u only knew i existed a few weeks ago. don't tell me u know when my growth spurt starts by just looking at the national mean. cos the national mean is after all, just an average. there r bound to be oddballs like me who stick out right? duh. let me get this straight. my puberty came much much later than most girls. they shot up so fast i was looking all girls in the chests n didn't see past their shoulder till a few years later. n my growth spurt also came later than most boys. simply put, i grew with the boys in 2a. n i'm still growing. i've grown 4cm this year n tt was in april. so what's all that abt my growth spurt being over? huh huh HUH? gahh. if u give me any radiation my right leg will be so long tt it'll have to bend to let my left leg touch the ground in future. okay. maybe i'm exaggerating. but who knows? i might end up with a supermodel height. no one can tell what the future holds.

three. i might not need any of these treatments. but that is very very rare. so ohwells. i'm not putting much hope in that.

i just really really hope that papa won't allow me to go through radiation. at least for chemo, no matter how awful i'll feel during that period, the side effects aren't permanent. hair grows and blood counts bounce back. but stunted growth is something medicine can't heal. this cancer already has left me with a 7cm scar (the ugly railway track kind mind u), a deformed knee, wasted leg and thigh muscles and a smaller than normal leg. don't let anymore deformities follow. please. i'm just a normal teenage girl who has yet to see the world and bring lost souls to Christ. i'm nothing special except for an abnormally high threshold for pain. i don't think i can bear living the rest of my life with a shorter leg. i'll really need much more than teddybears for that.

i just love talking to ******. he is like so so so funny!

yx says:
later late for dinner so pai sei
yx says:
then the emcee say
yx says:
WELCOME THE GROOM AND BRIDE!
yx says:
then we walk in
"Sad.. So Sad..." says:
hahahahaha

like see what i mean? hahaha. n he's like this ALL THE TIME. haha. he always leaves me in stitches. my fellow geek!(:

i want a boy who catches me when i fall and guides me so i don't walk into walls.

and for anyone who doesn't know, that happens alot.

they say that when a dragon dies, it becomes a comet streaking across wishes.

i want a boy who will slay a dragon and name the comet after me.
i want him to cut class and steal me away to go rollerblading.
i want a boy who can flip pancakes.
i want a boy whose smile is like knotted light but doesnt give away his smile for free.
i want him to strum goofy love songs on his guitar.

i want a boy who doesnt mind silences in conversations.
i want him to dare to fail.
i want him to surprise me.
i want a boy who doesn't use eye cream, or branded moisturiser.
i want him to laugh at my lame jokes.

i want a boywho doesn't exist.
that way, i'll never fall in love.

that was from my friend's blog. how true. i never want to fall in love. ever again. it hurts too much. not because of anything, but because i always hurt the other party no matter how hard i try not to. it's just me i guess.

i should add another sign to my window. n the fragile and danger stickers will block out the light of day. but that's another bonus- people won't be able to love me even if they want to. not with a toxic sticker right in their face.

i want to cry. listening to the 2a blog song which is also the ending song for spirited away, yes that beautiful song, all the memories of 2a'05 come flooding back. may fong, jingjing, hua xin, faith, jonathan, zhenwei, hongsheng, ziren, eugene, keewei, sean, samantha, audrey, felicia, qian jun, shermaine, yihan, chiat siang, arthur, jovi, patricia, jinghuan, weiyan, natalie, jolene, leeyan, cherie, liujia, berlinda, gena, wanye, kianhong. the laughter in the classroom, the last outing together at the ice-skating ring, the celebration of my birthday on that outing too, the "ghost" sighting excursion round school at night during the mooncake festival, the staying back after school to talk, the teasings about my frequent and much publicised crushes, the manga reading sessions, the girls-only talks which were held in full-hearing of the guys, the gentlemanly actions of the guys okay most guys, the "抢救 rhoda 大计划" which was to try to teach me basketball and volleyball, the imitating of my high and somewhat squeaky voice, the singing sessions where we would sing and i'd teach then singing techniques, the practices for the performance at the old folks' home at faith's house where zhenwei, jonathan, faith n i would stay late in the night... everything, everything just came crashing down on me. i want to be 13 again, young and innocent, trying my hand at chairperson-ship for a class which closely resembled liqourice all-sorts, where i was the most innocent and everyone treated me as a 小妹妹, taking care of me, and exposing me to the many facets of life. i love 2a'05. i really do. n i wish we could all be together again. n never part.

he hates me. i'm sure of it. but there's no turning back now.

i never thought the end would come so fast. but it has. and with this post, i close the past chapter of my life.

the cancer has been completely removed. or so they say. the surrounding tissue that had been cut out in the 2nd operation has been sent for a biopsy and the results shows that the margin is clear. praise the Lord! it really is a miracle. the entire church had feared the worst cos though the cancer was in an early stage, it was growing pretty fast. as in the sarcoma was growing very fast. like wow. maybe all the scans had irritated it and made it grow faster cos it's been there since last year and had been pretty much the same size until after the findings. haha. quite ironic actually. but what matters most is that it has been removed and the surrounding area has been given the all-clear. thanks be to God!(:

the second thing that marks the end of this chapter is my breakup with him. yuppz. i've broken up with him. it was a hard decision and i still feel a little uncomfortable without him by my side. not that he was always by my side anyway. i'll miss him, the emotional support, the care, the concern, for him just being him. i'll miss it all. but we've agreed to remain good friends. there wasn't much fuss. it ended much cleaner than i thought it would. but it's bittersweet, really. sweet cause i know i won't be a burden to him anymore and bitter cause i will miss him. and it'll be hard forgetting all that he has done for me. and somehow, the bitter outweighs the sweet. but i guess every breakup is like this. except for my past one with *******. ohwells. i shall just continue savouring this taste of dark chocolate, that rich, deep flavour which is being reflected in me right now.

why do i always prefer dark chocolate to white?

n you just don't care, do you?

this post shall be dedicated to berating the men in my life. there aren't many. but well, they're all useless. why do i keep them with me anyway?

you. yes YOU. idiot. your flowery language. your proclamations of love. who are you deceiving? others, maybe. but not me. definitely not me. cos i can't feel a thing from you. all your so called devotion, isn't tangible, isn't visible, isn't existent. stop it. go away. can't stand you. shall do sth abt you soon. gahh

n YOU. what on earth are you trying to do? break my heart again? come on. i can't be bothered with you seriously. of all people. biao bai-ing to me time and again. can't you let go? i'm not that nice that you have to hold on you know. and besides, you freak me out. and you freak out my friends too. rahh. go away. before i scream and slap you kay.

n YOU. have to admit. you're one of the best. at least you don't bother me. haha. just putting you here to banish all other thoughts. lala. heh.

all three of you just GO AWAY kay? i've no need for you all.

talked to ****** yesterday. he has almost become public enemy no. 1 or sth in class. poor guy. of course you can't deny the fact that he is at fault too. but i have to admit that the ostracising is too much. every single fault he has, it's been picked on and laughed over among like everyone in class.

the two parties, both at fault. yet, neither wants to step back, and view the hurt that they are causing. both refuse to give way. and it's all up to the rest to solve it. yet no one wishes to. is this the Lord calling me? i don't know. but i'll try to talk to them anyway.

but i do feel that ****** shld be shot. seriously. he is so irritatingly headstrong and refuses to look from a different viewpoint. bah. no wonder he's public enemy no. 1. but of course you can't help but pity him due to him being ostracised. haiz. conflicting feelings. have to overcome them before i can help either. haiz. may the Lord give me strength and wisdom to solve this problem.

i feel so not in touch in with my class.


okay. that was expected. i mean like if you miss lessons consecutively, obviously the conversation topics will change right? people don't wait for you. the world spins on. but i know my Lord will wait for me.


friends, aren't really friends unless they're there in times of need. and i think i've found my real friends. though it hurts knowing that some aren't. ohwells. just have to learn to accept i guess.


and reading may's blog, i realised that people around you actually feel exactly the same way as you do. they may react differently, but it all boils down to the same feelings. maybe i'm slow to only realise this now, but i think it's a rather comforting thought. maybe out there, everyone keeps a secret diary or blog like me. maybe out there, they feel as lonely as me, even when they're laughing with their friends and i'm sitting at home stoning. maybe...


haha. so melancholy today. maybe it's the realisation that the one and only friendship that lasts is the one with Jesus. praise Him!(:

i'm going to leave for the hospital very soon. feel a little nervous, but i'm sure the Lord is with me. He will be my Comfort and just think about it, He will be the one in charge of everything later. when i'm in the operating theatre, when everyone else is outside waiting and chewing on their nails, the Lord will be the one guiding the surgeon. yuppz. it's at times like this when you really realise that God is in charge. praise Him!(:

thank the Lord for the church. i think this really is the first time i've actually felt the church in action. i must have been blind previously. but this time, the Lord really opened my eyes. praise be to Him!

i want to cry. seriously.


i mean like i knew it all along larh. i was just deluding myself. as usual. and now i can't anymore. it's right in my face.


you still like me. and can't forget the times we spent together last year. even when i'm already attached, and in a different school, learning different things, different ccas. even when the chances of meeting are like so slim. only when i go back to visit then do we meet. and even then, we hardly talk.


yet, i can still feel your feelings for me, how you still look at me in that way, no matter how hard you try not to, even though my stead is your friend. but i always tried to ignore it. and treat you like a friend. but, it still didn't work.


you biao baied to me a second time. and this time, it really is more hopeless than the earlier one, for it's not just a crush i'm having, it's a full-blown relationship. you never do learn do you?


what should i do to make you stop loving me?


you told me earlier this year that you liked zf. and i gave you my blessings although she didn't like you. nothing came out of it. but you never did like her, did you? you were just putting up a pretence, trying to delude yourself and stop yourself from liking me right? haiz. please don't hurt yourself anymore kay? it pains me to see you that way too.): let's just cross our fingers and hope for the best.

it's really quite awful. that disgusting frothy liquid that stubbornly refuses to dissolve. a swirl of greens, reds and oranges, resulting in a shade of dirty brown. yes, you must have heard of that disgusting concoction before. BARLEY GREEN. haha. i'm just being mean. it's not that bad. just need some adjusting. it really is the beet which makes it so unpalatable. the carrot's not too bad. and the barley green is edible. who was the idiot who discovered beetroot? and the worst thing is, who discovered it's medical properties?? huh huh HUH??? haha. i should stop being stupid. it's been discovered and due to it's wonderful anti-oxidants, all patients like me have to drink a mixture of those above 3 everyday. walala. how wonderful. gahh. heex.

i think i just uncovered my inner bitch. and it's all your fault.

there are two types of guys, the type who pretend to care, and the type who don't even bother pretending. where do you think you stand?


don't tell me about the third category, the ones who have no choice but to care. sorry, but it's non-existent if you ask me, cause you all just shirk your responsibilities anyway.


i don't even know why i bother. cause you obviously don't.


or maybe you won't even realise my thinly veiled barbs.

it's so funny, looking at how the purpose of this blog has changed. reading through the previous posts (there aren't many, mind you) i realised that i have matured. forced maturation! if there is such a word. hehheh. from complaining about little insignificant stuff that i thought the world of, doing lame surveys, i've grown up into someone who can actually see God working in her life. praise the Lord!(: may i continue to mature and grow in the Lord. and not backslide.><" haha.

papa just talked to me. and for one of the few times i actually agree with him. it's funny how experiences like this will reveal alot about other people's characters. of course, i'm probably revealing mine to those around me, but i, too, am learning more about those around me. and i can really see who cares and who doesn't. all the flimsy facades hurt, much more than the scarring and the wound. but what keeps me going is the Lord and the care and concern of those who are genuinely concerned. it really is heart-warming and tear-inducing, seeing how much they try to share my burden, both emotionally and physically. and i really thank God for putting them in my life. like the aunties who visited this morning, godmama, sharon, andrea, grandparents, pastor and aunty diana, uncle khee sian, dr chua, papa, mama, ka-jie, and many, many more. maybe even some whom i don't know. n can you believe it? andrea's a new christian! yuppz. she converted. i'm just so happy for her.(: hope she can continue in her daily walk with God. she's a bai ka too like me! lol. that is so mean. she fractured her leg earlier in the year. but she can walk properly already. just a little slow. so she walks with me.(: and sharon who being her nice self walks with us. i just love the two of them. can't help it. they're just so much more real than *ahem* and the rest. of course these people do care a little, but sometimes it just seems so fake. and fragile, like paper. so thank the Lord i guess. for this illness that reveals the hearts of many.(:


God has a plan for all of us. and i believe this illness is part of His plan for me. how exciting! i just keep wondering how He will use me. maybe He will use me without me even realising. haha. i'm just that blur. but i think that'll be much nicer than actually knowing. i like doing things unknowingly. it seems so much closer to the heart right?(:


dr tan says that there will be alot of scarring. i probably won't be able to use my leg properly anymore. but i believe that the Lord will guide me through. i know people will leave me. people whom i thought i could trust. people, whom i love. but i know that that will just be like refining fire. and those trials will just be like burning the dross away from the gold, so i can be pure and acceptable in His sight. how amazing how God let sis jo share that during sunday school last sunday. and it was just when i needed it! such comfort in times of need.(: so i may lose friends, but i trust in Him to provide, and i'm sure that He will. He will provide me with friends. true friends that won't leave me in trials and tribulations, who will help me in my christian walk with God, who will rebuke me when i go astray. i really need friends like that. and they're so few and far between! but i trust in the Lord, for He is my very Best Friend!(: and maybe, i'll meet mr right (so cliche!) and may he be a God-fearing man. please please please. i don't think *ahem2* is mr right. at least not at the present. hes not exactly God-fearing. i think thomas could do better. haha. not that i like him. no thank you. heex.


actually, i've really come to believe that this illness IS a blessing. i'm not trying to convince myself this time round. i really do believe that. i mean, when you weigh the pros and cons, the cons actually seem negligible! now how's that?(:

you don't even care do you? i knew it. why do i even allow you to be near me? go away. all your flowery language. all your gifts. all your proclamations of love. all, all come to naught. what am i to you? your teddy bear who flashes her smile to brighten up your day? your toy whom you can laugh at? go away. i've no need for false pretences.

i hate it.



this thing is seriously affecting my studies. not that it was very good to begin with. but now i have to make double the effort and that puts strain on not only my mental self, but my physical self. like what the? you caused me to skip lessons and now you're complaining?? this is horrible. how i wish i could live without the restraints of my physical body. especially since it is slowing the progressing of my mind.



seriously, God is rather fair. the reason He allows serious illnesses to occur mainly among the elderly is because they have far too much time and energy to waste. compared to a schooling child like me or a working adult with a family to support. we may be younger and therefore assumed to have boundless energy, but we too are humans, flesh and blood, and we tire. so if we were to be given long-term illnesses, imagine the toll on the body not only due to the illness. the stress and frustration due to never ending deadlines, the inability to understand what's thrown in front of you all because you didn't attend 2 lessons. it's horrible, trust me. and i just wish the vip was half as stressful, or that it's the earlier half of the year. cos it's term 3 and the momentum is picking up, gearing towards eoys. which means twice the number of tests, assignments, tasks, hwk, projects, research thrown to us. plus the fact that you can't go to school. imagine the migraine this is going to cause? it's no wonder i'm thinking of shooting myself. just that i don't own a gun and i do not want to jump. ohwells. i'll just have to get that bad dream out of my head i guess. :(

i saw the scans of my precious kidney today. it's really big. like half the size of my stomach. n it's cute. cos it's almost a complete circle. haha. n i've decided to give it a pet name. miu sounds good right. it's japanese for beautiful feather. n i think the beautiful suits it though the feather part sounds abit. haha. actually thought of naming her nectarine or peach or somewhere along that line due to her shape but i realised i didn't want anyone eating her up so i chose something inedible instead. haha. i'm really incredibly lame.

i think i've come to terms with this illness. i can't really do anything except undergo treatment and pray. the rest will be up to God. i don't recall feeling this helpless before but i guess this will help me in my walk with God. so this probably is a blessing in disguise. and i will follow God's will no matter what. for He is my Lord, my Friend, and my Comfort, in Him i will rest, wholly, entirely. and i will be as sheep in His hand. He will be my Strength when times are hard. and He will lead me on. yes, He will.

Don’t remind me of my past
because it’s something I can’t relive
Don’t tell me of tales and legends
because they were never real
Don’t tell me I’m a child
because I can’t remember innocence

I can’t give a damn about myself
because the real me never existed
after those purple clouds of nostalgy floated by
I exist in my present but wallow in my past
in the aimless rush of life
I wander in my soul
looking for a place
where I used to belong
Somewhere that existed only in memory

But I was wrong about forgetting.

I remember the laughter, the tears
the tales and the childish games
I knew innocence once
and I lost it
I can’t live in the past
but only in the vague premises of nostalgy

____________________

my senior wrote that. haiz. how true.

is this God's way of waking me up? i guess so. i've been such a horrible christian, never really interested in the church ministry and never doing devotions either. i'm not exactly a good example either. i guess i'll just have to try my best and stop being such a sunday christian. pull up my socks and read the bible so that i can get to know Him better.


o Lord, please give me a heart that is always searching for You and yearning to get to know You better. please Father, even if i never ever get well, please help me to be a good christian and to be a shining light and a salty salt to others. In Jesus' name i pray, amen.


just hope that my one and only kidney can last me through the rest of my life and that this cancer will leave me. it's only an early stage right?

rhoda
3o1o91
nus

fashion-amour

love(:

maybe next time when i'm strong enough(:

none for the moment