merry christmas to all who reads my blog. haha.

anyway, i'm bored. i don't like myself cos i know i'm a boring person. haha. if only like i was eccentric or mad or just plain depressed. at least it'll make me more interesting as a person. like people will go, "ooh, she's mad! *whisperwhisper*" or something like that. and they'll be a lot more friendly if i had some strange mental illness cos they're just go, "oh such a poor thing!" and be nice.

of course that's very superficial but i don't care, i'm so bored that i can't be bothered if you're sincere or not. i feel like sitting on the breakwater and watch the clouds go by. best if there's a storm. i wanted to go downstairs when it rained just now but i wasn't allowed to. poo. can't they see i'm just dying to be in the rain? i miss it. sort of.

or maybe i just have a lack of things to do.

there's like this really depressing mood hanging around me right now, so thick that i can almost touch it - is marraige really worth it? looking at my dad, no. the way he treats my mom is just oh so demeaning. eww. what happened to the man my mom fell in love with? you really wonder. marriage does that to people i guess. it just gets to tiring putting up pretences, that is if you did put up a pretence during courtship. note: pretences include hiding your bad points so don't tell me you're not guilty of that. so what's the point of marraige? the woman always suffers or so my mom says. i used to snort in disbelief at that sentence but it's coming true, every word of it. watching my dad grow worse and worse, not just to mom but to me. the only one he's civil to now is my sis but i doubt it'll last. he's like some kind of time bomb just waiting to go off.

ahh! just feeling so disillusioned now.

i had always looked forward to a nice stable marraige with lots of love and at least two kids but that seems so distant now. watching families around me disintegrate and love grow mouldy just doesn't help. firm cheeses indurate, soft cheeses collapse. both grow mouldy. thanks flaubert for deepening my disillusionment. what is love for anyway? you can't touch it, you can't eat it. when you have it, you bloom like a spring bud but when you don't, you wither away worse than a wilted flower.

that reminds me, my aloe vera died. how sad. the monsoon season just isn't suitable for a desert plant.

i think my mood just got tangible.

i've decided to stop blogging so much in my other blog. just as well that i stopped at my 272nd post there. haha. yes 272 used to be my lucky number. hope that this time it helps too. haha. fine i'm not superstitious, but it's such a nice coincidence. haha.

i think xiaxue's latest post is really inspiring. as in like, maybe i should do that too, with so many people against me, like why should i care? 轻易论定别人的价值的人是他们，why should i care? they're entitled to have their own opinions and i won't stop them from thinking that i'm some crazy bitch cos i know that i'm not.

but again, that's just self delusion simply because i know i care. alot. and nothing will ever change that fact cos i'm just too self concious. which is plain irritating cos it leaves me with no confidence. which is pathetic if you really think about it. i wish i can just ignore the rest of them and leave it at that. but i can't and i can't ignore that either. oh i just wish i had more courage.

and it's just so irritating when you realise that other people just can't see what you're going through.

i just wish my world was still like what i had always wanted it to be, nice and pink and fluffy. but that's not the case and never will be. so i'll just have to live with it.

easier said than done.

oh i must have been out of my mind to have come to this awful backstabbing community.

and i still don't know what i did and it's haunting me at night giving me bad dreams. i don't like the fact that they can affect me so much with hardly any effort and still be able to sleep well while i'm bearing the bad effects of it all.

and now i'm turning into a spiteful creature. wow. thanks.

sigh. yesterday i learnt some rather unpleasant things. like how bad things really are between me and the class. and i don't even know what i did wrong that they're doing that to me. thankfully i still have close friends. thank God for them! and it's terrible knowing that who you thought you could trust was the one who turned others against you. and it's even more terrible knowing that after turning others against you that person still pretended to be friendly and tried to analyse with you what went wrong between you and the others. and it's terrible not knowing why that person did that. and you really wonder whether there really was a friendship between the two of you.

i can't believe i had actually trusted you. maybe you had your reasons. i'd want to believe that. even though jill told me not to think about it anymore, i still can't help but wonder just what happened that made you do that to me? i heard that it was something which i did to you that made everyone not like me. but what did i do? i heard that you would sort it out with me, but it never happened. why won't you tell me what wrong did i commit? i really want to know. although i know that my knowing probably might not change the current situation, but i really want to know what did i do wrong.

will you please stop this guessing game?

maybe you hate me. i don't know anymore. sigh.

it's like you suddenly don't msg me anymore but who am i to complain? i had only hoped that we could remain friends but it looks like that wish cannot be fulfilled either. ohwells.

talked with lots of church people yesterday and realised lots of things. like gasp, i didn't realise i was so blur! lol. but i really am quite slow on things like that. hee.(: somehow, i don't really fit in with the church youths. at least previously i had serene, but now that her friends are coming to church, she can't really talk much to me le. which is really quite sad. but it's nice to know that her friends have both accepted Him!(: ohwells, i just have to trust in Him to provide for me. praise be to Him!((:

and i ran out of beading materials! ARGH.

just back from youth camp. okay not just. was back yesterday but was too lazy to blog. oops. haha.

this camp has really taught me lots of things, things that i was unsure of, decisions that i didn't dare to make and it really pointed me in the right direction - God. yupp. i've been backsliding for so long and not wanting to admit it that i really think i have very thick skin.=/ but praise be to Him for not forsaking me. instead He has spoken to me in His wonderful grace and mercy and brought me back to Him. how wonderful and loving He is!

"..be not unequally yoked with unbelievers.."
i can't remember which verse that was but pastor chris did mention it once or twice in his messages at camp and it really touched my heart. it was almost as if God had opened my eyes to see and ears to hear His word and now i know the path which i must follow. of course he will hate me, of course others will blame me but my Lord is the centre and focus of my life. how can i forsake Him for non-believers? so i'm sorry, but i really have to go. i sincerely hope that we still can be friends but i will understand if you choose to dislike me. maybe by doing this, i will further strengthen your resolve to turn away from His dear face but it has been said in the bible "be not unequally yoked with unbelievers" so how can i disobey His word? besides, what we're experiencing now is probably just puppy love so i'll rather follow my God and my Father for He is the focus of my life.

i believe that the Lord will provide for me no matter what, be it a good partner, my future, my friends, family and health for He is faithful and just and nothing is impossible for Him. so i'll just trust in Him.

there's this growing pain in my left elbow and i wonder what it may be. another sarcoma? hmm.. nvm. shall just wait on the Lord and believe in Him and of course inform dr. tan when i see him on tuesday. ohwells.

praise Him!(:

yay! my online shop is finally up!! it's a joint venture between my sis and i. hahaha. the link's on this blog. please do support!(:

it's so saddening. the thought that you aren't a christian and will most likely suffer during the tribulation is awful. not just that, you'd be banished eternally in hell. i don't want to think about things like that but it's inevitable cos you've backslidded and don't want to acknowledge Him as your Lord and Saviour.

sigh.

it's so horridly hot and as my hair is too short i have to tie two ponytails. short little ones. quite cute but very bimbo. hahaha. sort of goes with my wish but i won't be caught dead outside like this. so embarassing!! haha. ohwells. please support kay? ((:

and look! the shuaiest guy on earth! apart from him that is but i'm biased. hahahaha.

you liar.

or maybe it isn't your fault. maybe you're just so unsure of my feelings toward you that you're freaked out and don't dare honour your promises.

didn't you say in your last letter to me that you will treasure our friendship and remain great friends? then what's with the silence? it's so maddening cause i can't seem to find a topic to strike up a conversation with you. ARGH. this is so irritating.

anyway i've decided to be nice and support jean's online store! haha. i'm so nice right? lol. but i've seen two of the pieces they posted up and they're quite different from those which i make so i guess we'll cater to different crowds bah. sigh. i really am a very horrid girl. but the pieces they make are quite sweet! go support her too! haha. and no i did not copy their skin. lol. but quite qiao right? lol.

hope to get my online store up soon!(:

oh yes, i forgot. jean is opening an online shop selling jewellery. now there's nothing wrong with that in fact it's wonderful that she's going to start up her own business. but there's only one catch. my selfishness. okay i know that doesn't seem to make any sense but well, it does. cos i'm starting up my own online shop selling jewellery too and the market is only that big and well, i'm just plain selfish. i know it. sigh. oh Lord, please help me not to be so selfish and to be more gracious. Father, please help me with my horrible ego and instead be genuinely happy for jean and her cousin. in Jesus' name i pray, amen. sigh. just how horrible can i get?

now the only thing that's stopping me from setting up my online business is my stupid usb cord which refuses to detect anything so i can't upload my pics online. URGH.

oh i've not been blogging for quite some time. oops. haha. just haven't been in the mood to do so. sigh.

i should have gone for the concert last night. never mind the fact that i had a big fat headache. you were going and that was like all that mattered. but silly me just couldn't get off the sofa. sigh. and now my nicely manicured nails can't have a nice occasion to attend. lol. they're not say very nice larh. my manicuring skills can only go that far. haha. but i find them not bad. considering i was rushing through. hee.

went to the beach on wednesday with the sistas. woots! i didn't intend to get a tan. in fact i had just smothered myself with layers of sun block before leaving the house. but as every idiot knows, sun block can only block the sun's rays for like two hours or so. and after two hours, it was noon. how wonderful. i became the perfect colour for steamed crab. ><" there goes my natural fairness. sigh. so now i'm tan again. it's at times like these when i just simply wish i lived in somewhere other than the tropics. urgh. but there's always the problem of me being just too plain lazy. haha. but it was fun. we had our picnic, built our sandcastle(childish><"), played in the sea(infantile><"), cycled, had fun. haha. i didn't exactly cycle larh what with my knee and all. hired the two-seater bike or whatever it was called and sat at the back. hahaha. so that i can laze off and make poor yuxuan/sherry do all the work. hahaha. no larh. i did pedal kay. with my right leg that is. my left leg was resting on the bar in the centre. hee. can't exactly bend it that much yet. but my poor right leg muscles were aching like crazy after that. hahaha. serves me right for not exercising for such a long time. everything's turning to fats!! ahh!

which reminds me, i just put on another kg! gasp. this is disgusting. i really need to get my ass off the chair and go jogging or something before i turn the size of a whale. whales are cute anyway but i won't be cos well, i don't look whale. except for maybe the size. sigh.

and you know what? i love you but i'm not going to tell you so too bad. haha. but i have my reasons. shh. lovelove.(:

p.s. i am determined to turn into a bimbo, albeit one who isn't lian, has abit of brains, doesn't dye hair and retains her natural skin colour. does that even count as a bimbo then?

oh and i love my new bright red pumps. bright red!! hahahaha.

rhoda
3o1o91
nus

fashion-amour

love(:

maybe next time when i'm strong enough(:

none for the moment