the feelings are different now. i still miss the times a little, but not enough to want to go back. i look back and smile, happy that i ever had such times with you, with somebody. maybe this is all we ever need, the reassurance of one's capacity for happiness and love

and i know that i cannot do this, must not do this. you may be a wonderful friend, a complete gentleman, but you are not christian. you might still be in love with her. i might still be in love with him. you have always been so nice to every single girl you know. all these add up to a big fat no.

and so i resist.

but sometimes, it is just so hard.

and really, above all, i am confused.

back, i want to turn the clock back. need to change back. then maybe, just maybe, when i am nice and sweet and simple again, i can once more believe in love and romance, and maybe, just maybe, love will come knocking at my door once more.

do you believe in love? i do, really want and need to.

i had no one else to turn to except you.

would you be happy that you were actually someone i could trust and confide in? the only one i could trust and talk to? or would you be upset that i was just using you as a spare tyre, as a last resort, toying shamelessly with your feelings?

i think it's quite telling that you took the view that you took. because in the end it just shows what you really think of me. you have moved on, you have gotten over everything, because you decided that in the end, all i ever did was toy with your feelings. a mere plaything, that was what you were to me.

i won't try to contest that. if it makes you feel better, if it allows you to go on with your life, then so be it. why bother clarifying things and clearing up misunderstandings when they will only drag up things long gone? it'll only be another large helping of pain all round.

now that you have moved on, now that you have reasoned within your soul and am happy with the conclusions drawn, now that you have found someone else, i wish you all the best. whether now is only temporary or forever, i wish you a blessed life.

because at least one of us deserve it

and then i wonder if the only way to make a guy love you forever is to not give him any part of you.

so far, the hypothesis stands.

Love isn’t as complicated as we make it out to be. It’s the most simple, most elemental, most pure, most beautiful feeling, emotion, thingamajig, whatever you want to call it that beats in our hearts. Unfortunately, it’s also the most intangible sentiment. We can’t quantify it. Your ‘I love you so much’ could be so much less than my ‘I love you so much’ and there’s no way to prove who loves who more and therein lies the whole problem. We’re never happy with how we’re loved. We complicate things. We make things difficult. We expect too much. We receive too little. We can’t accept that so we prod and push and ask for more and when we don’t get what we want, we question their love and affection because they don’t love us the way we love them. They don’t love us the way we were told they should. They don’t love us the way we want to be loved and we don’t believe anymore. We lose faith. We allow ourselves to be consumed by hatred, by anger, by desire, by greed, by anxiety, by insecurity and we give up even before we try. It really isn’t all that difficult to love. We just have to love unconditionally, love selflessly, love altruistically, love acceptingly. We just have to love them the way we can, the way we know how and allow them to love us the way they can, the way they know how. We just have to love loving them and love them loving us.

and i really want to tell you that this is all i need to say to you. because nothing else matters anymore. but i know that i am too cowardly to march right up to you and tell you that i still love you so the next best thing is to have a shoutout from a secret blog that no one knows about. not even you.

just this one wish, and still i feel greedy, as if this, too, is too much to wish for.

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