don't ever wait for me.

today, i stood at the corridor
at the back of the
classrooms and watched the storm
descend. the clouds
rushed by pushed on mercilessly
by the raging wind.
the furious gusts whipped
my face and hair
as i leant further out
over the banister.
The world was coloured in shades of
grey and green, with hardly anything else
except for the bright red of
a car driving by,
oblivious of the impending wonder.
a patter of needles resounded
on the zinc roofs of the makeshift
classrooms.
i looked at the row of trees
outlined by the lonely sky
and wondered if anything could be more desolate
or beautiful.
the rain came
in sheets of white and grey,
mirroring my diminishing hope.
the impenetrable wall of water
in front was beyond my reach.
the cleasing fountains ahead,
just a distant dream.
i looked at the end of the corridor
and was amazed when i saw that
there was a gap in the watery wall.
i walked down the staircase,
exposing myself to the icy cold rain.
i paused and took in the majesty of the Creator
that allowed gaps in the rain.

lightning has just struck and the thunder has just rumbled. it's going to rain again. the storm clouds didn't dissipate this afternoon. i hope it never does. so that i can know that going back is not an option.

Learn To Be Lonely

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you,
comfort and care for you?
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You've always known
Your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love
life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely
life can be lived
life can be loved
Alone.

i know i shouldn't have sent you that msg last night. but i just couldn't help it. what would you do if the dream came true? but of course you didn't know what was going on cause i didn't tell you. but your reply was still quite sweet. but i never should have sent you that msg. cos i just might have given you hope again. ahh!! horrid. i must have a stronger resolve and persevere! no more being swayed by my own emotions. always think of the reason why i left you. must let you be free. must! i must stop being so selfish. but sometimes, it's just too hard. ):

unexpected what you did to my heart

thinking back, i realise that i never really learnt to treasure you when you were by my side. 以为你在我身边是理所当然的。我真傻。这世上是没有理所当然的是的，不努力去争取，是不会得到什么的。我真傻。will you ever come back to me? will i ever let you come back to me? 这所谓的保护并不容易。wanting to protect you, but only hurting you even more. will i ever let you protect me? 我只会让人觉得疲倦，伤心。i need to stop hurting you. maybe my disppearance will help? n my sister plays the most depressing song ever on the piano. wow. that helps.):替我飞翔吧。

i dream the scariest dreams. last night was a scary night. i wonder if it would come true? my dreams tend to come true. i don't know why. maybe this will come true too. if it is, my disppearance will come more easily. so i guess it wouldn't be too bad although i'll be terrified. i am terrified now. afraid that it will come true. i hope that it will come true and will not come true. i wish i could confide in him now. my friend used to say that telling someone your bad dream will make the dream not come true. instead, the opposite will happen. i wish i could tell him. but yet i can't. maybe i will tell him after the dream has come true if it ever does.

let my song take flight.

crush this empty shell of mine so that i can fly again. i don't want to be bothered by my health anymore. i don't want to grow up. i just want to stay like this, always near you, protecting you in every way that i can. but i know that my wishes never do come true.

i think he thinks that i like junhan. quite funny actually. haha. it's like we were discussing lang arts project after school, then junhan and keith sat at our table cos they were waiting for their ccas to start and didn't have anything to do. then our group being our group, loves to digress. so whenever we started digressing, i would talk to junhan. or rather junhan would talk to me. then he was playing with my phone cos he really was very bored. haha. then we were laughing when i happened to look up and saw kevin looking at me with this look. how should i say it? it was bittersweet. that dark chocolatey feeling all over again. and i realised that he thought that i liked junhan. i looked away. i don't know what i should do. i know i should keep my silence and let him continue his misunderstanding so it will be easier for him to forget me. but the thing is i don't like junhan and it'll be unfair to him if i use him like this. so now i'm stuck between. maybe i should tell junhan my situation and ask him to help me. but that will be even more selfish of me and totally unfair to him. i wonder what should i do.

flipping the handphone open and close isn't going to make him msg you.

Excerpt from Tatiana's Dream

So near the precipice, drawn onward,
Before I plunge to my own destruction,
Oh, let me hope, however blindly!
Oh, let me taste the wine of rapture!
I down the fatal draft, sweet potion
That wakens longing and desire.
His face, his form I cannot flee;
Onward my tempter beckons me,
I follow where my tempter beckons me.

To you I write, and why say more?
Does not the fact speak plain enough?
My heart I place within your power
To crush to bits with a rebuff.
Yet if you feel, however slight,
A drop of pity for my plight,
You'll not disdain this darkest hour.

In vain I've struggled at concealing,
Vowed never to confide
The pain past hope of healing,
Bitter shame, loss of pride.
Within my heart until it turned to dust
My secret I would hide, forever buried.

But ah! The tempest tears apart my very soul;
The raging fire has spread beyond control.
For good or ill, I must!
I must express my feeling.

Our distant door why did you choose to cross?
At peace, in quiet isolation,
I never would have felt the loss
Nor shed a tear of thwarted passion.
Once past the years of green emotion,
I would be satisfied -- who knows? --
In course of time to wed another,
To live content as wife and mother,
As tranquil as the river flows.

Absurd! No, all my life for you I've waited;
Since time first began have I been yours.
By God on high was I created
To love you as long as life endures.

Blessed in a dream did I rejoice,
For there I saw your image clear,
Warm eyes to me already dear,
And heard the music of your voice.

A dream? No dream, I'll tell you why
My sorrows had you not befriended?
Were you not present in my prayer?
Were not to you my arms extended
When to the poor and sick I tended?
Were you not there?

Soft, from the limpid dark appearing,
Did you not whisper words endearing
To comfort me in time of need?
A dream enchanted, pure and golden,
Am I not much to you beholden?
My prince upon a snow white steed!

Are you my hope, my preservation,
Or evil serpent of temptation?
Resolve my doubt, oh love, reply!
Oh, tell me if I go misguided,
My dream a fair but phantom lie,
If we must tread on paths divided

Be as it may, my hopes and fears,
My life entire I've here imparted.
Do not betray these burning tears;
On you I now rely
To keep my secret guarded.

Consider how along am I,
So far from human understanding.
From sheer fatigue I'm nearly fainting;
Condemned to silence, I would die.
I can but wait for your reply,
Some indication

A word from you decides my fate;
That single word I now await,
The hope that heals my heart,
Or ends my dream in desolation

I close, but dare not even read.
Oh, be not angry or disgusted!
In fear, and yet in faith, I plead:
Receive the heart to thee entrusted.

i think i'm going crazy. but tatiana's dream really is a wonderful poem. eugene onegin rocks! haha. russia has such talented people.(:

suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

it's so empty.

suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace

everything's so meaningless

suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste

without you

it all revolves around you

walked home today for the first time in a long long time. i thought i would be happy, but i came back depressed. i thought it would rejuvenate, but it weighed down on me even more. since when did walks become so lonely. wasn't i always alone on my walks? why does it feel so cold and empty this time? even the sunset was empty. the shadows danced in front, mocking me.

was it always this way?
the sunset so cold and alone,
the wind blowing full in my face,
but never offering comfort,
rushing past me in a never ending journey.
the oriole's call came out of the bushes
but i never saw it
not even a flash of yellow would it grant me.
its cries grew higher
and louder.
a sense of urgency and
desperation instilled into it.
a loud shriek
and silence.
even the yellow gem would not stay with me.
i struggled to hold back my tears,
my shadow mocking me all this while
as it danced through the leaf-strewn path.
i bent down
and stared at the last petals of a dying flower
broken from the day's trampling underfoot.
i gently pried it from the hard cement
and let it stand again.
but it only served to highlight its fragility.

i remember that this path
had been a path of happiness.
that bend just over there
stood as a symbol of the first cries of innocence.
the warm rays of sunset used to envelope
ever so gently
portraying two shadows
side by side in spring's interplay.
i remember, yes i do.

i remember that spring is over and summer is long gone.
the trees shake their head in realisation of
the long wait ahead
where rains will batter their leafs
and winds whip at their branches
lightning threatening even the most aged of all.

was stormy weather always so painful?
i remember a gentle caressing of water,
a steady rhythmic flow that cleanses
and refreshes.
but now, it only serves to amplify the pain

i miss you. i want you to walk with me again down that path littered with frangipanis. i want you to shout your love at that road junction again. i want you to tell your stories with the sunlight caressing your hair again. i want you to look at me straight in my eye again.

i don't want this silent barrier between us. i don't want this purposeful avoiding of eye contact. i don't want this building up of things never said. i don't want. but i know i have no right to dictate what i want or not. as i always told ylynn, it's your choice so live it to the fullest.

easier said than done.

i'm applying to be a psl! woots! haha. not sure if i can get in though. my answers were very crap and got shorter and shorter as the application form progressed. heh. wonder if anyone wrote compositions. ><" but i don't think mr koh will allow me to be a psl cos of my condition. i can't really be active and well, i think the r papers and me were made for each other.

enough of silly application forms that take an hour to do. i shall concentrate on the matters at hand instead. there's writers' circle tml and i wonder if i should go. haha. i'm now the secretary of wc. i used to be project manager but because ahnaf resigned from his post as president everyone stepped up so ******* is now the president. hahahhaha. okay. tts so mean of me. oops. but everyone just got that stunned look when they heard the news so you get my drift. haha. ernest is now vice-pres and i'm secretary. ylynn has been made project manager against her will. lol. she wants to be secretary. heh. but i seriously don't mind my new position. it means less work actually. haha. i can't believe i wanted to be project manager at the start of the year. i must have been out of my mind. lol.

i want to join choir in vj again. yeah man! pray for me! haha. that wld mean that i will have three ccas next year. wow. i need fantastic time management. haha. but i'll probably go for choir pracs on mon, wed, sat. probably have to leave early on saturdays for church choir. then on thursday there will be wc and guitar on fridays. wow. that will leave only tuesdays to mug. hai. must jiayoujiayou!(:

donovan says that he feels that ***** still likes me. sigh. just when i was hoping that he would forget me and live his own life. i guess forgetting someone isn't that easy after all. obviously. i haven't forgotten him either have i? haha. i am like so dumb. but i really hope that he will spread his wings and fly away, without anything pulling him down or burdening him. and i hope that he will fly for me too as i can never spread my wings again.

yippee!! my sis just passed me her score to photocopy! woots! i can start practising! yayyayyay! i just knew she wouldn't pass her score to me cos she was irritated by my pestering. hehheh. i have such a wonderful sister! praise the Lord!(:

went for doctor report today. i was quite freaked out and didn't have much of an appetite. but thankfully everything was okay. or rather not. my left lymph node is STILL swollen and so dr tan arranged for me to come again during the sept hols to see him. if it's still around then i'll have to go for another op. which means no more eoys! lol. as if. i'll have to sit for r paper then. which is in my opinion worse cos i won't get a 2nd chance then.): showed him the lump on my right arm to and he looked pretty worried which equals bad news cos he has this like totally wooden face which doesn't really show much emotion(not to freak out the patients i guess) and he is HIGHLY EXPERIENCED in this area. which means... yarh. but he said the lump on my arm is secondary as if the cancer has spread, the first sign would be my lymph node. which is why i have to sacrifice my tuesday morning of the sept hols. one less morning to mug. haha. showed him the weird blue-black on my back too. the one just below the nub of bone which has been there for weeks and weeks and weeks. ever since my first op. n that is like 3 months. wow. pretty impressive bruise right? but i don't feel any pain. n he got rather worried and told me to lie on my tummy(actually he said stomach. i don't think he would be caught dead using the word tummy. heh) n he prodded my bruise. well, he prods like everything. my lymph node, the lump on my knee(now removed), the lump in my arm. he's a very proddy person. heh. n he said it was secondary to my lymph node too. but it probably is sth impt or he wld just dismiss it with a wave of his hand. haha. he did that to my nice string of bruises down my leg. three of them in nice nice shapes which i don't recall having bumped into anything. well, they're fading already and he just waved his hand and said it was nothing. haha. quite funny actually.

hmm. i hope i won't need to go for another op as that's like awfully close to my uterus and i want to have babies.): so hopefully i won't need an op. obviously it won't really affect me having babies next time but i don't like ceasareans. i want to have a natural birth! but if i have an operation there i don't think i'll be allowed to have a natural birth cos the stitches might give way. i say might. this is all purely speculation so if anyone has any knowledge about this area please tag on the tagboard. thanks!(: this involves my dream of having children kay. haha.

i just bought new earrings from cream! nice nice square ones. haha. n there's a 10% discount for all vj students! haha. see? i'm so nice i'm doing advertisements for her! lol.

oh i just so love singing
oh i just so love singing
oh i just so love singing for the Lord

i guess you get the picture? haha.

first choir prac in church for a long while for me. i've just been waiting for this day to come ever since choir pracs started up again. they started when i had my second op and i can't exactly sing on crutches right? no way to ground! haha. so i waited till my leg was more or less strong enough to ground. which is now! haha. it was quite stressful cos everyone had been practising for weeks and weeks and i just came bumbling in. but they were pretty tolerant of my off-key singing. hehheh. i really shld perfect my sight-singing skills. my singing was really terrible as i haven't been to any choir prac since like the very first one in vj choir this year. which was in january? hahaha. so long ago. amazingly, sis dawn actually praised my singing.><" now that is very rare cos sis dawn doesn't dish out praises any-oh-how. she's like one of the best singers in church btw. so happy! but of course there's plenty to work on but it's nice to know that bro david ong, bro darrell and sis dawn have such faith in me to let me join in so late. praise the Lord! must not disappoint any of them and glorify the Lord!(:

this tuesday is my doctor report. i wonder if i will have to go for radiation or chemo or both or none. there really is no use worrying about it cos there's really nothing i can do about it. worrying will only reduce my immunity which is the last thing i need right now and it will probably add like two more lines across my face. gasp! ahah. i don't like wrinkles.

during the september holidays i might go to sylvia's house with serene to MUG! hahaha. mugging is bad for health. lol. but its a student's life. so ohwells. no use running away from it. school always runs faster. heh. can't wait to mug! yarh right. but i do so hope that eoys will be over. shoo go away! lol.

somehow or rather i just can't forget you. i doubt i ever will. i haven't liked a person this much before. it's scary. maybe this is love. who knows? but if it really is, then this love is pretty much lost to me. i threw it away for fear that i'll ruin it. because i'm too much of a burden. but i just can't seem to stop thinking of you. hai. i guess i'll just continue liking you secretly without you knowing anything. you may believe that i have forgotten you the moment i left but that's not true. and i don't think you will ever realise that i still have feelings for you. only donovan knows that i still like you. i don't think anyone else noticed. he didn't either. i told him. i know my acting skills are superb but i didn't realise the extent of it. well, it really does come in handy now. at least it'll be easier for you to forget me. i think you're walking away already. good job! i just knew you would be strong. forget me, i pray. i'm already slipping into the shadowy recesses of your memory and i hope that i will stay there. but i know that you will always have a special place in my heart that no one will know about. okay, maybe donovan. but i won't tell him everything. some things just cannot be shared. they are just on haloed grounds. and you will stay there blissfully.

i still sleep with all the stuffed toys you gave me except sushi. sushi is special cos he's the first ever present you gave me. but all the rest lie just beside my pillow. i even hug 牛奶 whenever i need extra comfort. even pyu-pyu who wasn't a gift from you is beside my pillow too. he's special cos you have one too. i still have all your letters. have you burnt mine? i remember i was irritated when you spelt my jap name wrongly. but i kept that letter too. the feelings then, were so pure and innocent, untainted by life's horrors. i'll like to keep a bit of that too. the hairclip you bought for me at disneyland sits on my shelf just beside my bed. whenever i can't sleep i look at it and feel comforted that you once loved me and cared for me.

all the tears i've shed in this month of seperation and those yet to come, will you still dry them away? will you still chase the clouds of gloom away from my head? i don't think so. i've got to stand on my own but i know i can't. so please allow me to just lean on your shadow, my memory of you. i won't ask for you to be by my side, i just want your shadow, so that i can remember all that we ever had and posessed. and i know that will be mine to keep.

staying online just to see you online a little while more. not that i'll talk to you. i just want you to forget me. our times together. your feelings for me. just leave them in the rubbish dump. i don't want you to suffer because of me. it wouldn't be fair if i expect you to stay with me when i have cancer. i'd rather you go far far away and find yourself a better girl, a girl who doesn't make you worry all the time, a girl who isn't terminally ill, a girl who isn't a burden to you, a girl who can make you truly happy. that's all i wish for. i know that i will hurt you by leaving you, but it's all for the better. the pain caused will be so much lesser for you than if you had stayed by me watching me waste away. i wish you all the best and i hope that that special girl will come into your life soon. don't ever think about me and certainly don't remember me. walk on and live your life. fly for me my sparrow.

i don't think i can stand it any longer.

i miss you

do you hear?

i wish it was the 6th month and not the first. but it's all my fault. who am i to blame?

and i'll hang them round a certain bear's neck
along with it's red ribbon and plenty of silver chains
maybe a length of black string will do the trick?

and there my feelings will hang
for the whole world to see
and not for the whole world to see
it's just there

he will never know...
but i will know
and so will that certain bear
that bearer of feelings
once completing it's mission and now called upon
to fulfill
a life-long commitment

and there it will hang
around it's neck
blue against brown and gold

and he will never know

if feelings were tangible
if they were matter
i would catch hold of them and never let them go

i would pour a clear blue liquid on them
watching the droplets splash and merge
pooling together
covering all of the feelings

then i'll leave it in it's glass test tube
and wait for that natural phenomenon

and there
i've got my blue crystal

look!
isn't it beautiful
my very own feelings
crystallised in a clear blue bauble

For Fruits Basket

Totemo ureshiikatta yo
Kimi ga warai kaketeta
Subete wo tokasu hohoemi de
Haru wa mada tookute
Tsumetai tsuchi no naka de
Me buka toki wo matte tanda

Tatoeba kurushii kyou datoshite mo
Kinou no kizu wo nokoshite mo
Shinjitai kokoro hadaite yukeruto
Umarekawaru koto wa dekinai yo
Dakedo kawatte wa yukerukara

Let's stay together, itsumo.

Boku dake ni waratte
Sono yubi de nee sawatte
Nozomi bakari ga hateshinaku.
Yasashiku shitai yo
Mou kuyamaneyouni
Nageki no umi mo koete ikou

Tatoeba kurushii kyou datoshite mo
Itsuka atatakana omoide ni naru
Kokoro goto subete nagedaseta nara
Koko ni ikiteru imi ga wakaru yo
Umare ochita yorokobi wo shiru

Let's stay together, itsumo.

Tatoeba kurushii kyou da to shite mo
Itsuka atatakana omoide ni naru
Kokoro goto subete nagedaseta nara
Koko ni ikiteru imi ga wakaru yo
Umare ochita yorokobi o shiru

Let's stay together, itsumo.

I was so happy
When you smiled at me, with
A smile that melts everything away.
Spring is still far away,
Inside the cold earth.
I was waiting for the first sprout to bloom.

Although today is hard to bear,
Even when yesterday's scars remain,
If I work it out with a trusting heart,
I can't be born again
but I can change as I go on.

Let's stay together, always.

You smiled only for me
With that finger touching
The only wish is endless.
I want to be kind
Like a regrettable misstep
Let's go pass over the grieving sea.

Although today is hard to bear,
Someday it will be a tender memory,
If I free everything in my heart.
I will learn why I am here
I will know the joy of being born

Let's stay together, always.

Although today is hard to bear,
Someday it will be a tender memory,I
f I free everything in my heart.
I will learn why I am here
I will know the joy of being born

Let's stay together, always.

meaningful songs have always taken a special place in my heart. although this song doesn't exactly make much sense from the english translation(maybe it's a japanese thing but i really do not understand): ) but the last line and a few other lines really stayed with me and brightened up my life. even if i can't be here physically, i trust that i'll always remain in everyone's hearts. yes, i know i'm bhb. haha.(:

let's stay together, itsumo

i have to grow up. as in HAVE. stop throwing childish tantrums and expecting the world to revolve around me. it doesn't. like obviously. oh grow up and stop indulging in things which you know are of no use to you. earrings are one thing, teddy bears are another. stop it. and stop pining for things which you threw away cause it was you who threw them away right? and why can't i just put my stupid pride away and simply say i miss you?

battle of wills

that's what's going on between mommy and me now. all the best to both of us. though i don't really understand what all the hoo-ha is about. she just threw some stupid tantrum at me and i don't appreciate being a punching bag thank you very much. so i gave her the cold shoulder. i mean isn't that just natural? and now.. oh nevermind. i don't feel like talking about it anymore.

all i want is to be myself again. is it really that hard?

i can't believe my dad's doing such a sneaky thing like that. he actually went to wiki my blog or what not larh. he only managed to find the other one i think. pls let it only be the other one or he'll just so slap the living daylights out of me or sth. like whatever. you want to know my blog and what i'm thinking then just come up front to ask me larh! it's not like i'm defaming you or sth. which i m doing now but it's only because he did this awful thing. and when i came into the room he just went n pressed back thinking that i had like the mental iq of an amoeba or sth. like duh, i know what's a back button u know. and i SAW my post about torrents in summer there even though i wasn't wearing specs. i mean like who puts the words 'as torrents in summer' in italic in the middle of a post? and i cld see it was my blogskin larh. and then when i had put on my specs he acty had the cheek to call me to the com n show me some random thing. like what the hell. go to acting school first before you try to pull a trick like that on me kay. u just made me lose all remaining respect i had for you. just GET A LIFE. and BE A MAN. i can't believe i've got such a petty, cowardly, sissy for a father.

today, papa told uncle **** **** all my flu symptoms. and after staring at me for a long time, he said, rhoda, you have a flu.

i nearly laughed in his face.

i just refused to drink the awful cup of barley green and mummy threw a fit. i'm not drinking it no matter what. at least not today. she can't make me. no one can. do i care whether it's beneficial to me or not? all i know is that i'm losing blood when my blood hasn't fully replenished itself. stupid menstration. n i'm not taking any health supplements today. today is special. it's the day i start to procrastinate. against life.

i don't feel in the mood for doing anything today. but i can't not do anything. i've got piles of work to do, notes to copy, lessons to catch up, tests to study for, projects to do. rahh. i'm drowning in my to-do list. and all i do is switch on the laptop n go to blogger.><" been down with flu for a week now and it only seems to be getting worse. didn't go to school yesterday. and that equals more backlog to clear. it's irritating, really. knowing that i've got so much work to do, so much more than others, but not having even half their strength to do it. everyday after school, i just go straight to sleep, cos i'm just way too tired to do anything. i wonder about eoys. it wldn't be surprising if i'm retained, or chased out of vip. or sth. it wldn't be surprising at all. and papa and mama will be disappointed in me even if they don't say so. or maybe they will blatantly blame me, ignoring the fact staring them right in the faces that i don't have the physical ability and absolutely zero mental ability regarding maths physics and chem. but will my feelings and emotions matter to them? i doubt so. they're just be too preoccupied with how they are going to face the world now that their golden girl is a school dropout. the girl they had pinned their hopes on, to always do better than her sister, to always be in the top 5% in s'pore. don't they realise nothing lasts forever? i can't keep demanding too much from myself. that wonderful psle score which is their pride and joy came about only because i was that close to a mental breakdown. but they've been blinded by the glory of it all. of having a daughter who beat the gep students hands down. don't they realise what i was going through that year? don't they realise that i only managed to achieve what i did due to extraordinary teachers? they don't. they only see what they want to see. and delibrately ignore all the pain i went through.

and now they're doing it again. they expect me to do even better than i did last time. wasn't the warning in sec2 enough? how i suddenly took a major disinterest in my studies and my chinese and maths plummeted? they choose to forget it. to focus instead on the fact that i got into vip.

now in vip. the tables are turned. it's no longer just the question of whether i want to put in effort or not. i'm among the cream and being the bottom of it. i try but can only come in bottom 3rd in class and that's only because i tied with *****. if not i'll be bottom 2nd. and as if that wasn't enough, i'm diagnosed with this disease that takes me away from school for long periods of time. how m i supposed to catch up?

and they continue dreaming their american dream.

rhoda
3o1o91
nus

fashion-amour

love(:

maybe next time when i'm strong enough(:

none for the moment