well. what do i say?
maybe this is the end of it all. even before anything started.
maybe this is God's way of telling me to move on? i have no idea. but the sadness remains, that is for sure. i have opened too much of myself to him and now having to retrace my steps, i feel even more alone than before.
i just find it so depressing that any mention of my cancer sounds the death knell of whatever budding romance that might or might not be happening. i mean like it's good in the sense that whoever can accept this will probably be able to accept me in my entirety, flaws and all. but it is upsetting to know that many a good guy will go his way because of this. and above all, the thought of losing him hurts the most.
i know that it doesn't make sense for me to describe this as losing him as i never really had him in the first place for nothing has actually transpired between us but i have come to depend upon him in a multitude of ways. and one of them is having him listen to me, whines and all. it's slightly ironic that it is exactly this that has pushed us upon the road to a natural death. oh just look at all the deathly imagery. maybe i should start on some motif of death to just make this post more literary. and my playlist just decided to start playing 分手快乐. how apt. sort of. haha. i swear itunes can read my mood.
maybe i'm just over reacting, but it's difficult to read people over msn. there is hardly any human contact and it all boils down to the words and as we all know, language is inadequate. besides, i'm terrible at reading people anyway. all i got was mixed. there was the shock of course. abit of disappointment at not being told earlier. and the slight curiousity and wanting to find out more about the condition. the stubborn optimism which can be read both ways, hope or denial. the sort of grudging admiration tinged with pity. the relief that things are more or less normal now, a refusal to admit anything less than normalcy? (do not, do not over think things) and a polite distance of oh-dear-how-do-i-treat-someone-who-might-be-terminal rounding it off.
and i will wait and see. though things are always different by the light of the day.
