and yet once again, a wave of self-disgust washes over me. it overwhelms. it overflows. though not as my tears, no. my tear ducts have been surprisingly obedient today. i guess something just had to go well right. my sunny smiles might not have fooled those who knew, but would definitely have fooled those who didn't. sunshine proliferates where one looks for it, and if one doesn't know to look behind it, how will one find the dark clouds that threaten to unleash its torrents?
you really can't do anything right, can you rhoda kwan? nothing has gone right ever since you shed your uniforms in exchange for the freedom of university and the working culture. nothing you ever do turns out well or succeeds. you might as well be running in the opposite direction to what you have always ran the years before, undoing the careful braids that were tied painstakingly through your first eighteen years. way to go darling. one more score to add to your growing list of failures. do you seriously think that this is just a matter of passing and failing? think of all the expectations, all the money spent, all the effort and confidence placed in you by family, friends, instructors. you can't do anything right, can you?
and stop waiting for a message that will never come. stop being stupid. nothing ever existed. see, you forgot, you forgot who you are and allowed yourself to go tumbling, head over heels and now you're all bruised and all for naught. don't ever forget, rhoda kwan, that no one will ever love you in that way that you want.
