Wrestling with an Angel
reading this brought tears to my eyes. it's not everyday that something moves me this much. has my heart become so hardened? i find myself clicking repeatedly on the 'Older Posts' link in search of more of God's promised, in search of more strength, of more miracles, and more things to hope for. and just when i am about to believe that everything will work out, life intrudes again.
and everything comes crashing down.
and i find myself questioning once again, questioning and doubting the principle of marriage, the binding together into one flesh, the complete submission to one another, etc. and the cold, hard calculations come back into the picture, how one party is always giving in to the other, how one party is always the one left crying and picking up the pieces, how one party is always the one trying to hold everything together, smiling bravely to the rest of the world while storms beat and pound behind closed doors.
is this doubt wrong? or uncalled for? i really don't know anymore.
i've been told over and over again that not everyone is the same, that possessing these traits might not necessarily mean that history will repeat itself, that my life will not be the same. but who can guarantee that? what about the oedipal complex? i need solid, concrete answers, someone shining a beam into the dark uncertainty. but life never is like that.
i know i should trust God to lead me through these doubts and fears. because He has His divine plan for me. and no matter what, i only need to submit to His sovereign will and He will see me through. the way may not be smooth nor a bed of roses, there will be trials and tribulations as He moulds me into a better person, to be more like Him.
still, i fear. i don't think that i'm strong enough to go through any relationship, marriage or not. my own questions would drive me to the brink. so for the time being, i will will myself not to be involved in anything like this. but is this really God's will for me? or am i just running away from Him again?
i really need strength and comfort from God, everyday, every moment, to quell these fears. trusting really is one of the most difficult things ever. this giving up of one's battles to Him, this complete surrender, it is scary. it's almost as if i am relinquishing control of my life. it is as if i am finally stopping, no longer fighting, no longer running, but am just kneeling down, humbly asking for grace and mercy. it is a scary feeling, and i hesitate. but God and His abundant grace saves. once again.
thank You.
