it's been a long time.
but i'm back to square one again. i think.
yesterday was a whole round of having people tiptoe around my feelings and subtle therapy. i'm glad that i have such great girls like pris and jill who just let me crash their day without any prior warning and a great mom who's still trying her utmost best to cheer me up without being too obvious about it. lol. retail therapy while searching for a gift for yinhong. trawled bugis and bugis street for stuff before finding the most perfect little clutch every imaginable(: we added other things too larh. but really really love the clutch! jill doens't like it though. haha. she's so predictable. then it was jill's place where we lolled all over her grandma's bed. feel pretty bad about that actually><" and he's just not that into you! wow. i just love that show. it is so cute. really. haha. laughed alot and jill and i kept aww-ing at the same bits with the same tone and all. lol! we are such typical girls. come to think about it, maybe their choice of movie was for therapy's sake or maybe i'm just over analysing things. then met up with mom for sakae. like seriously. since when did we eat sakae for no reason? haha. but ohwells. talked abit with mom and i guess there's really only one thing for me to do whether or not he ever calls me again. and that is to move on with life. much as i don't want to and much as i miss him and feel like maybe i should be the one to make the first move, it just doesn't really fit in since i've already did what i could. and besides, who wants to be gigi, living her life round her phone, waiting for a call that will never come? or mary who has to be rejected by seven different technologies each day. that was funny just as much as it was sad. typical chick flick i guess. we try so hard to make our troubles seem so small even though what we really want is for someone to understand us and realise that we're just trying to be strong and this really isn't us. and most of the time, we don't have an alex who actually knows and can be there for us. most of the time, all we're stuck with is ourselves, our girlfriends and our determination to carry on.
seriously, guys are the new girls. because they're just so wimpy and all and love to broadcast their minute troubles and pains to the world so that the world can just fall head over heels in trying to console them. and they just love acting. and still think that they are right. and we silly girls actually believe them when they manipulate things making us think that the problem is in our own insecurities. it almost seems as if there's this manual which all guys are supposed to read the day they turn nine and then they can hone their craft till they are masters at it by thirteen. it's crazy. every single guy is like that. ohwells. what can we do, the perfect guy died like 2000 years ago and is sitting in heaven right now watching me. all other men are like pathetic little imitations of him. they don't even have the balls to admit their mistakes or even look their mistakes in the eye. like oh whatever. i should just become a nun and be "married" to Jesus since He's the perfect guy, nvm that He's currently in heaven.
it is good to realise what's actually wrong with keith and i. it feels good really. to finally be able to detach myself from all of it and then realise how stark everything is. it's no longer alright to blind myself to his faults and keep thinking that as long as i work at it, things will be fine because things won't be fine. i can change myself till i'm no longer myself and things still will not be fine if he doesn't change and well, men never change because they don't even see the need to change. i start to see bits of my father and grandfather in him and i'm like no! i dont' want to be another mummy, another grandmummy. no!
it feels good actually. now it's just the long process of weaning myself off him and learning to find myself again. God willing, i might find my own alex, but if not, i can just be a beth. after all there are more women than men in the world so i could always be one of the guy-less girls for the rest of my life or sth. though it might not actually be a bad thing.
