Thursday, January 25, 2007 3:35 PM
maybe i'll be disappointed. i don't know. i can't seem to sense your thoughts anymore.
i watched your purposeful stride today. out of anger? or hope? i seriously don't know. but i won't ask anything of you anymore. i've hurt you more than enough and it'll be plain selfishness on my part to do anything more, to expect anything more. how can i expect anything when i've fulfilled none of the expectations required of me?
i am a selfish girl. that, i know. and i want to change. but i can't ask you to wait for me to change, not after all that i've done to you. so i'll just, well, change on my own.
during my chinese project presentation today, i did a short summary on the story 《春泥不是无情物》and realised just how similar i was to the character 春泥. we were both extremely selfish girls, very stubborn, 野蛮，霸道. and i felt really very bad as i presented the story. it was as if i was writing my biography. selfish, despicable me.
as i walked home today, i felt like my heart would rend into two, but it didn't. i'm stronger than i thought. but it still hurts alot. though i know i have no right to feel hurt cos after all it was i who brought this upon myself and i still cannot forgive the fact that i had pulled you down along with me too. i really am an extremely horrible person. i ought to be shot.
maybe i shouldn't have brought things up again, cos after all, maybe all you wanted to do was to forget. but selfish little me went and dug things all up again. did i ask if you wanted to know my explanations? did i try to find out? no. and i just went ahead and 自作主张 again. i never do learn, do i? and maybe i've hurt you again.
it's probably better for us to end like that. with no more secrets or hidden explanations. like the little fullstop at the end of the sentence. i want us to be like that. okay, i don't. all i want are never ending commas, but i know that's impossible considering what i've done. so a fullstop seems inevitible. an ending to... what?
and i have no idea.
