Sunday, October 08, 2006 1:15 PM
you do realise that whenever you say that you want to talk to me, you never do? and i'm left hanging, wondering what you really wanted to say. do i care whether i'm hurt or not? no. obviously not. i like hurting myself anyway. not physically though. i don't like the thought of more scars.><" and besides its all numbed inside. maybe i won't even feel it.
you know something? you've never hurt me before. it's always me hurting both of us. oh yuck. i'm so awful and disgusting and irresponsible. you don't need to blame yourself. if anything, it's me. i'm sorry.
changing people is hard. in fact, it's impossible. the only way a person can change is when the person himself wants to change. others can't do it. maybe it'll happen for a while, but they always revert back. the older, the harder it is to change. is changing people even worth it? all the tears, all the effort, all coming to naught when they revert. sigh. why do i even try?
why do you always haunt my dreams at night? not that i don't like it. but when i wake up, the feeling of loss always overwhelms me that i can't help but cry. curled up into a little ball under the covers with all the stufftoys you gave me lining the wall on my bed silently observing.
do i want you to blame me? maybe.
someone once said of me," 她的舌头很毒，再怎么伤人的话都说得出。但她不会说保护自己的话。" i know that that's true, but i don't want to change. i want to be able to hurt myself by the words i speak. i want to savour the sharp pain of hurt, rejection and regret. i think i'm queer. haha.
我爱你。爱到我想毁掉自己。
