Saturday, August 05, 2006 12:43 PM
i don't feel in the mood for doing anything today. but i can't not do anything. i've got piles of work to do, notes to copy, lessons to catch up, tests to study for, projects to do. rahh. i'm drowning in my to-do list. and all i do is switch on the laptop n go to blogger.><" been down with flu for a week now and it only seems to be getting worse. didn't go to school yesterday. and that equals more backlog to clear. it's irritating, really. knowing that i've got so much work to do, so much more than others, but not having even half their strength to do it. everyday after school, i just go straight to sleep, cos i'm just way too tired to do anything. i wonder about eoys. it wldn't be surprising if i'm retained, or chased out of vip. or sth. it wldn't be surprising at all. and papa and mama will be disappointed in me even if they don't say so. or maybe they will blatantly blame me, ignoring the fact staring them right in the faces that i don't have the physical ability and absolutely zero mental ability regarding maths physics and chem. but will my feelings and emotions matter to them? i doubt so. they're just be too preoccupied with how they are going to face the world now that their golden girl is a school dropout. the girl they had pinned their hopes on, to always do better than her sister, to always be in the top 5% in s'pore. don't they realise nothing lasts forever? i can't keep demanding too much from myself. that wonderful psle score which is their pride and joy came about only because i was that close to a mental breakdown. but they've been blinded by the glory of it all. of having a daughter who beat the gep students hands down. don't they realise what i was going through that year? don't they realise that i only managed to achieve what i did due to extraordinary teachers? they don't. they only see what they want to see. and delibrately ignore all the pain i went through.
and now they're doing it again. they expect me to do even better than i did last time. wasn't the warning in sec2 enough? how i suddenly took a major disinterest in my studies and my chinese and maths plummeted? they choose to forget it. to focus instead on the fact that i got into vip.
now in vip. the tables are turned. it's no longer just the question of whether i want to put in effort or not. i'm among the cream and being the bottom of it. i try but can only come in bottom 3rd in class and that's only because i tied with *****. if not i'll be bottom 2nd. and as if that wasn't enough, i'm diagnosed with this disease that takes me away from school for long periods of time. how m i supposed to catch up?
and they continue dreaming their american dream.
