Sunday, July 23, 2006 6:37 PM
papa just talked to dr chua. he's not my doctor in charge btw. he's just a radiologist we know in church. n a very high ranking one at tt.(: papa told him abt my case n he said tt there r three things which might happen.
one. i go through the normal chemotherapy treatments(eww...), drop my hair, lose my blood count or rather further lose my blood count since i haven't really recovered from the op until i've been given the green light. this would ensure tt all other naughty cancer cells in my body which not yet have died will well, erm, die. yarh. strictly speaking. tts what's supposed to happen, though knowing cancer cells just have the reputation of hanging around even after they've been declared dead.
two. i go through radiation. which is more centralised and won't affect other parts of me except the cancer-stricken one. in this case, my knee. it will successfully wipe out all cancer cells which might still be lingering around in my knee and then my case will be more or less closed other than the normal routine checkups. but, here comes the big but, radiation will stunt my growth. which means tt my left leg won't grow anymore after that. fine, except for the fact that i'm having my growth spurt right now. like what?? u want me to have one leg shorter than the other? i thought the whole purpose of the two successive operations was to save my leg. and he still told me right in my face that by my age my growth spurt should be over. like hello? u only knew i existed a few weeks ago. don't tell me u know when my growth spurt starts by just looking at the national mean. cos the national mean is after all, just an average. there r bound to be oddballs like me who stick out right? duh. let me get this straight. my puberty came much much later than most girls. they shot up so fast i was looking all girls in the chests n didn't see past their shoulder till a few years later. n my growth spurt also came later than most boys. simply put, i grew with the boys in 2a. n i'm still growing. i've grown 4cm this year n tt was in april. so what's all that abt my growth spurt being over? huh huh HUH? gahh. if u give me any radiation my right leg will be so long tt it'll have to bend to let my left leg touch the ground in future. okay. maybe i'm exaggerating. but who knows? i might end up with a supermodel height. no one can tell what the future holds.
three. i might not need any of these treatments. but that is very very rare. so ohwells. i'm not putting much hope in that.
i just really really hope that papa won't allow me to go through radiation. at least for chemo, no matter how awful i'll feel during that period, the side effects aren't permanent. hair grows and blood counts bounce back. but stunted growth is something medicine can't heal. this cancer already has left me with a 7cm scar (the ugly railway track kind mind u), a deformed knee, wasted leg and thigh muscles and a smaller than normal leg. don't let anymore deformities follow. please. i'm just a normal teenage girl who has yet to see the world and bring lost souls to Christ. i'm nothing special except for an abnormally high threshold for pain. i don't think i can bear living the rest of my life with a shorter leg. i'll really need much more than teddybears for that.
