Friday, March 11, 2016 10:12 PM
5/6/13
this sense of fatigue,
it overwhelms.
a murky fog over one's head,
wet, heavy cotton on one's eyelids,
forcing them shut.
yet she struggled on,
pushing against that dense wall that clouded
her mind and consciousness, deadening
each action such that a simple pushing
of the buttons on her keyboard was nearly beyond her.
one. keystroke. at. a. time.
forging on, she almost wondered what it was all for
but caught herself in time.
one must never question why:
it is the most poisonous of questions
that can overturn any notion of productivity.
and productivity, that was the whole point of her existence wasn't it?
one. keystroke. at. a. time.
for it is but one more step through life,
and one more step to dying.
10:11 PM
5/4/13
when no one would believe me, you did.
you reached out your hand to me, no,
you grabbed it, not caring whether i wanted your grasp or not.
and you reeled me in to shore
you patched me up, pointed out the right path,
and walked with me a little ways.
handed me over to caring hands,
down a pathway marked with your light.
yes, even in those shadows,
your light shone through,
a beacon through the dense undergrowth.
now i am safe and sound,
forging ahead, buoyed by my own strength;
a little patchwork doll, sewn together with your hope and skill.
but the debt has caught up with you and
your star grows ever dimmer.
what is a doll without its owner,
you, who gave me life anew.
i pray that your star will burn on,
but fuel is short and the nights grow ever colder.
i know i should let you go, not keep you here, suffering.
but how can i say goodbye when you are going in my place?
10:10 PM
Some days,
I wonder about the carving knife,
Sitting pretty in its wooden block,
And how it would feel
Against my flesh,
As it kisses my kidney and
Caresses my lungs
And traces the outline of my heart
As I sit and behold
The wonder that is creation,
Pouring forth in a fount
For dogs to lap at and
Go forth to rut.
Sunday, August 30, 2015 12:40 PM
One was brought up a princess, her will never doubted and her bidding always done;
One was an immigrant, always at fault and her every thought and deed examined critically.
One was an heir, secure in her birthright;
One wondered about her parentage, searching the crowds for her place in the world.
One demanded love to be thrown at her feet, picking through bouquets like they were the next good read;
One thought that love had to be worked for, that her self worth was tied to her latest accolade.
But why the difference? When the same blood ran through their veins.
Only because the latter lost at the lottery of birth, being merely the second born
and the spare.
Saturday, March 28, 2015 6:23 PM
so many things to change, so little time
indeed a lifetime is not enough for a person to mature. i should know.
how does one change one's personality such that the world can finally accept oneself? is that even possible: 1) can one change one's personality; 2) can the world ever accept one?
over and over again i am reminded of my shortcomings and flaws. so much so that i wish i could just stop everything because each day all i see are these - nothing else. it just gets so tiring. but i guess that's just how things are. because of my facade of confidence and outspoken nature, people just assume that i am all action and no introspection.
if only they could spend a day in my head, they'll be banging against the dura, screaming to get out in no time. this mind is not a pleasant place to be in, but no one sees it. not that i expect anyone to, considering everyone has their own struggles and has no time and effort to remember that each person has personal struggles too. it just would be nice.
guess being a psychology major didn't help me at all, it just made me even more psychotically introspective, to the point of neuroticism and crippling self-doubt. good to have changed fields then i suppose. just wonder if it was all too late
Saturday, August 23, 2014 10:13 AM
5/7/13
Depression is something that coats everything with a bitter taste
Nothing you do is ever good enough
Nothing about you is ever good enough.
However hard you try, pushing against expectations and cool, calm stares,
Nothing ever gives:
You will always be on the outside
10:08 AM
Dragging down to the depths
Of an unknown, Far beyond any imagination.
You would not notice its gentle pull at first. Perhaps you might even welcome
Its slight resistance. But as the days trudge on, the grindstone continually behind, tripping you up every
Now and then, the one and only all-consuming wish to cut the ties and
Break free.
10:06 AM
7/8/14
I think that this is the happiest I'll ever be in a long while. No abusive friends, no bullies at choir and work. Really, the only flies in the ointment are my father, sister, and myself.
Family is something I can choose. Yes, of course I could decide to up and go but that really isn't an option considering that I'm very much still a dependent. Besides, how can I leave mummy behind?
But my self, that's something I can work on. The only person really pushing me over the edge is myself, the rest are just external forces but if I'm resilient enough, I won't cross over. A pity a supportive family is one of the factors influencing resilience. Still, there are other factors, and mummy's always supportive even if she doesn't understand and doesn't want to know more.
So, Rhoda kwan, get your shit together. You are more than the sum of your parts. You are a sentient being with an impact on your surroundings too. So help yourself, for the world will never help you
10:02 AM
so tired of all of this. the drama, the tantrums, the demarcation of first and second class. and i find myself wishing more than ever to just leave.
but running away never solved anything.
and i still wish that my first reaction isn't anger or sadness or self-pity. i wish that i was a better person such that my first reaction is to respond with a soft word, with humility, with love.
people will always wrong us, people will always hurt us. no matter who, when, or what, that just is the way of life. everyone is naturally selfish, it's something that just is because we can only inhabit our minds. no matter how much we try to see things from others' points of view, we are still limited by our own perspectives. recognising this, i want to try harder to be less selfish, to understand when people are lashing out just because they're hurt or angry. i need to be better.
not of myself, but of Him.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014 6:27 PM
tonight is going to be one long, drawn out struggle
6:11 PM
and as always, it's my fault again.
now that we know what truly is the problem, i think i know just the way to solve it
Sunday, March 09, 2014 9:51 PM
Looking at all those quotes on loving oneself, all I can think of is how. Everything is just easier said than done. But after everything has been said, all that's left is that gnawing feeling.
It's funny how that same feeling can be so different each time. Gnawing emptiness. Sickening bloatedness. But really all variations on a theme.
So I draw. Like kisses on decayed flesh. I draw. And everything will be alright.
Saturday, March 01, 2014 12:32 PM
i don't know about you, but i'm pretty tired of myself
12:15 PM
can't help but feel that i'm just an awful failure at life. what sort of person must one be that her own father wishes she was never born? what sort of person must she be that when looking for comfort, her own sister will much rather be jealous of her clothes? just what is it about her that makes her rejected and unloved?
nothing she does will ever be enough. it's just like how she never gives mosquitoes a chance. they just die. maybe that's how the world works. if you never give others a chance, you will never be given one either. or maybe it's bidirectional - because you were never given a chance, so you will never give others one. causality has always been a tough nut. but at least one thing is for sure, development only goes one way. parenting has and always will be stable, so really i need to cling onto that and know that no, it isn't me.
